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horror

“Boldizsár, I Came to Kick Your Bony Ass.”

Boldizsár, I Came to Kick Your Bony Ass.” With only a few of the fine illustrations by Anita benson-Bradley

For decades, Lazlo Toth has been one of the world’s most famous authors. Until 2019, he always wore a wig of thick brown hair that made him appear young,  healthy and virile. Last March, while he was being interviewed on the Red Carpet at the Oscars. That night, in front of a billions, a sudden gust blew the expensive  toupee right off of his head, exposing him as the vain “cueball,” that he is.

Laszlo wrote novels about the supernatural. They were based on scientific fact and he prided himself on being a rational man. He became interested in genetics while working on a new novel, and joined the group called BlameYourAncestors.com. 

Within two weeks after sending in his DNA sample, Laszlo discovered he was 87% Hungarian and, apparently, 13 percent cheese, citing a few stray genetic threads to Luxembourg, Switzerland and four other cheesy countries. 

Thanks to BlameYourAncestors.com he was also able to narrow his search back his Hungarian family. 

With a little bit of digging, he discovered an old Tóth family portrait. The Tóths in the painting, all the men, some of the women and even a few of the children and even a few family pets suffered from severe baldness (alopecia). Alopecia was also his grandmother’s name.

Laszlo allocated another fortune, that he’d saved on haircuts, to expand the DNA search and finally received the results that he’d been hoping for. The ‘bald problem’ that plagued his life was traced back to a  singular  human  ‘monster.’

The creature’s name was Count Oszkár Tóth. He’d been a rich landowner in sixteenth century Walachia. 

The Count was legendary for his long flowing locks that  made him look like a golden hero on the cover of an ©Infinity Upton Downes’ bodice-ripping novel. The vain Oszkár combed his proud mane day and night. One evening, when a hair was out of place, he  summoned his magic golden comb — Magic comb? Yeah, right, Give me a break — only to find out that the famous comb had been stolen.

Oszkár’s mother, The Countess Cynthia, told her son that she had seen a well known local magician, named Mah-dik, running away from the castle and into the nearby Petrifying Forest carrying a shiny yellow object in his hand. 

Laszlo ordered the local police to “find Mah-dik!” Once captured, he ordered the Magician to be burned at the stake. 

At the Barbecue, Laszlo, was cornered and cursed by the magician’s wife, a powerful witch named Eegahd. 

The next morning, as Oszkár combed, his glorious mane shed. The hair that made him such a ‘wench magnet’ fell to the ground.  

As a result of the Eegahd’s curse, all of Count Oszkár’s children, male and female, became bald as well; that is until in October 31, 1712, when the entire clan were tortured, murdered, dismembered, and turned into a savory paprika goulash by a nomadic Gibors. 

Only one Tóth escaped the massacre, the youngest noble in line, Boldizsár, who continued to selfishly spread the Tóth baldness curse throughout the western world. 

“The Bastard!” Thoughts of revenge pushed their tendrils in into Laszlo’s vain and twisted mind. Online, he hired a Hungarian scholar, to help him track down ‘Baldy’ Boldizsár’s resting place. That is when Laszlo  made the first irrational decision since his eleventh failed marriage, to visit his cursed ancestor’s crypt and ‘kick his bony ass to Hell.’

The following October…

 Before the frost set in,Laszlo made his trip, alone, to Walachia. 

Unfazed by local superstition, Laszlo arrived ten minutes before midnight at Tóth Citadel in Ploiești. He quietly drove his rent-a-car around the back of the ancient structure to the bone yard, parked and opened the trunk to remove a lantern and a heavy Road Rager Crowbar. 

Laszlo found the rusty cemetery gate open, and by the light of the full moon, jimmied his way into the Tóth Mausoleum. Once inside, he lit his lantern, shooed away the vermin (Bald rats?!!!!) and quickly began to go to work. He located Boldizsár’s resting place and slid the heavy lid off the count’s stone coffin, only to find out that most the bones had already been defiled.  

Luckily, the pelvic bone, the skeleton’s ‘ass,’ was still in tact.

Jubilant, Laszlo carried the pelvis outside among the gravestones. 

MIDNIGHT

Q-Ball’Laszlo kicked Boldizsár’s bony ass all over the churchyard until he could kick no more. After a short rest and a drink from his flask, Laszlo gathered up the broken pelvis parts back inside the mausoleum, dumped them back into the coffin and took a few cellphone photos —  including one of the inscription on the wall above:

“Lehet, hogy rúgta a csontos seggem, kemény fickó. De még mindig kopasz vagy.”  

The author, satisfied with the bony ass kicking, didn’t review the inscription until he arrived back home in the states.

“Lehet, hogy rúgta a csontos seggem, kemény fickó. De még mindig kopasz vagy.”

(Translation: “You may have kicked my bony ass, tough guy, But, guess what? You’re still bald.”)

Freddy Barnett’s New and Updated Books for 2021 — All in a Row

In Print: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B002N60GRQ

In eBooks: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/Hellotiki

During a storm, Jesus appeared on a blue tarp upon the deck of The Vinnie Maru, demanding that agent Bernie Benedict find him a date. 
_____________
Shark Fin Soup
A tale of sharks, gods, cannibals, mad cows and endless love. 
__________________


Since bygone days, two ancient Pacific cannibal tribes have fought over which of their respective shark gods should rule the Seven Seas. Today, the 3000-year-old Melanesian war has reached the shores of the US.
‘Word on the street’ has it that the shark gods and their peckish followers are gearing up for a final, pay-per-view televised battle which will take place in Jamaica Bay, NY, on New Year’s Eve. 
Leading up to the match, Interpol agent Bernie ‘The God Whisperer’ Benedict and his paranormal crew are watching the body count stack up along US waterfronts.
(And Jesus still wants a date.)
Soon, our hero finds himself in dangerous waters as he becomes the ‘prize’ in an over-heated mating game between two powerful deities — the luscious, lustful, Fijian shark goddess, Dauna, and her friend, Artemis, the majestic,‘virgin’ goddess of the hunt and moon.
Join the merriment as our hero, Bernie, through divine whoopie, is transformed into Cupcaecius, a deified dead ringer for the debonair screen legend Cary Grant. 
“Tell me you’re proud of me, darling. You’re looking at the first new god on Olympus in over five-thousand years!” 

\

Protecting their all-dead Habitat.
Centuries ago, Vlad “The Impaler” Tepes and 
Elizabeth “The Bloody Countess” Bathory bathed their homeland in blood.
There was nothing good or bad about the pair’s excesses. 
That is what Transylvanians “do” and have always done, until now.
Today, a greater evil has begun to turn their homeland into an amusement park. 
The tour buses have arrived! Vlad and Liz cannot sleep!
Forced to put on some clothes, they will 
be joined by a handful of staff and family including 
the tiny witch, Lupta Axe, (a famous author of smutty bodice-ripping novels).
They must fight for Transylvania! 
Meet:
The mercenaries! Meine Runt-Pferde (My Tiny Horsies)
The out-of-shape architect bikers!The Hell’s Angles!
The feared women cutthroats!The Black Friday Shoppers! 
Bloody Good!
By
Fred Barnett


is a rollicking adventure, through time and the seven seas! 
Hundreds of fascinating TRUE facts and TRUE stories about our most famous denizens of the deep. 
Meet your favorite sharks and other briny beasts as they encounter a variety of dangerous human nut cases.

“Fisherman arrested: Used wife as Shark Bait!” 
“Aussie Loses Same Leg Twice!” 
“Mako Attacks Fisherman On Beach!’
 “Mom Eaten in Front Of Husband, Son and Six-Year-Old Quadruplets!” 
“Killer Arrested After ‘Monster’ Spits out Murder Victims Arm.” 

Rated HARD-R

NSFA (Not safe For Anyone) 

“Rock n’ Roll! The kids will love it! 

It’s the perfect music for busting sh*t up.”

On March 18, 1955, Terpsichore, an ancient muse, opened a bar in LA called The Duck n’ Fishes. On that day, she updated her name to Cheri and began to create much of the great music that we enjoy today. 

The ‘D n’ F’ bar was also a place where the exhibitionist goddess could dance ‘au naturale.’ (“Her loose overalls were flashing sides of everything except bacon.”)

Everything was good, until…

… the late 70’s ( ‘The Dark Age of Music.’ ) when evil forces lead by The God of Sleaze, Anthony Rubio, began to replace real musical talent with pony-tailed middle-aged lawyers. To save music, Cheri had to gather her collection of unearthly friends to fight  Rubio’s ponytailed army of cocaine snorting Hollywood sh*theels.

Johnny Passion was her chief weapon. The washed-up leader of the 60’s rock band, The Love Muscle, was Cheri’s faithful friend. She always protected Johnny and believed that his voice would lead music’s new renaissance. 

But despite the goddess’ blessing, Johnny felt that his life was going nowhere, and one day jumped into his Mustang and drove deep into Nevada — to ‘find himself.’ 

Instead, Johnny found Sheena and the Queens of the Jungle, a statuesque, all hungry, female Las Vegas music revue — neighbors of billionaire Howard Hughes. Johnny somehow managed to become their slave …. their ‘house boy.’ 

The Amazonian ladies loved their Johnny (every day — and twice on Sundays). After twenty years the aging cougars decided to cut him loose, at midnight, in the middle of the desert. 

Back home, Cheri patiently waited.

In August of 1992, Johnny limped back into to LA begging Cheri’s forgiveness.

To accomplish a big Las Vegas comeback for Johnny, Cheri needed to make sure that Johnny had the best coaches, the best songs and, most importantly, a reason to sing.

Cheri also had to find the only cure for Johnny’s broken heart. She needed to find the girl named Rebel, Johnny’s first, lost and last true love. 

With the help of ghosts and two aliens, 

Cheri would put Johnny and Rebel together again.

The Man From Nantucket

Adapted from The Timeless Children’s Classic

 ‘The Bountiful Mutiny’

With naughty nautical limericks

The Bountiful Mutiny (unabridged) 

“Tales of Salty Sea Men and Soaked Sirens” 

(Tragic Lust #65)

Born on the Island of Nantucket, in 1906, Sam Swathorn was the only surviving grandson of the celebrated William “Barnacle” Balls (the sailor). In the early 20th century kids matured early and that is when young Sam sprung forth, like a boner, to take his place in the world as The Man From Nantucket.

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