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…And Then Things Got Weird….

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Adventure

Captain Anne Bonny (Perdido)

(Sketch by Anita Benson Bradley)

Carol Portnoy looked up from her History of Pirates book.

“ I just read this chapter about a 18th century pirate ship called the Black Widow and about its notorious woman captain, Anne Bonny. For decades, Captain Bonny was a successful pirate who disappeared into thin air, sometime in 1782.

Listen to this, my buccaneers. “Captain Bonny is a statuesque beauty with a treacherous temper to match her maelstrom of devilish red hair. At sea, she stands proudly upon the Black Widow’s prow, presenting a fine figurehead to the winds while scanning the horizon and commanding her vessel. Bonny often brags that she was raised by sirens after a shipwreck that killed her family and she can ‘sing with a siren’s song’ that sailors find ‘intoxicating.’

The lure of her song and the spark in her eyes have drawn many-a-lovelorn-suitor’s hearts into an abyss deeper than the Marianna Trench — Hearts never to be seen again.

Yet, Captain Anne’s finest gift may be her cooking!

At the slightest whim, and after the best pie they’d ever had, Anne Bonny may persuade a discarded lover to happily – jauntily, walk the plank —  directly into the bellies of the devoted sharks who follow The Black Widow’s legendary bill of fare — as it pursues spices ‘more precious than gold’ across the Carribean.

The sharks absolutely love sailors stuffed with pie. Especially the cherry and peach.”

Signed,

Killer Kelly

First mate and head chef

 

 

 

An Interview with Kālī (from Shark Fin Soup)

New Shark Fin Titled copy

It was 6 p.m. The end of Bernie’s first day at the Interpol office in Los Angeles. He was beat. The agent’s job at the agency was based on his ‘talent.’ Bernie had been hired because he was not only able to see, but also communicate with religious apparitions.

Bernie’s first day on the job ended with a short, unscheduled, but action-packed interview in his office with the Hindu goddess  काली (Kali).

A few minutes earlier, Kali, being her usual sweet self, looked down at Bernie through the splinters of his new desk and grinned her blood covered rack of 14K gold teeth.

“I AM THE GREAT KALI!!!!” She circled the desk and castrated its four legs with a swipe of the four Jambiya  घुमावदार चाकू in her four hands, pinning Bernie to the floor in the middle of the rubble.

“Please, stop, काली!” he pleaded.

“Call me DOOOOOOOOOMMMM, Agent Benedict,” the Goddess of Destruction hissed, “AND you will thank me for beating this lesson into your sappy skull. My गुंडापन Thuggee followers, who number in the millions, still send me sweet little boxes containing their progeny’s still-beating hearts on Saint Jack the Ripper’s Day. I just want you to know that what, I, THE GREAT KALI!!!!, am capable of. What I can do to you…is NOTHING…Mwahahahaha…Nothing, compared to what that Brazen HUSSY Dauna Robinson will do to your maracas before you leave the building TONIGHT! … By the way,” Kali said, while grooming her fluttering eye lashes with her flaming jalapeño tongue, “This is hard for me to ask.”

“What? Anything! Anything! Spare me, oh, great Kali! Your wish is my command, oh fearsome goddess!” said the fetal quivering loogie named Bernie.

“Stand up, Agent Benedict. I was only joshin’ with ya,” Kali said, while brushing the wood dust off of her armored golden sari. “Do you think that you can set me up on a date with your friend, Frankie?”

“The Sumatran?”

Kali softened her voice. “I’m asking you as a friend

.…Or else, Worm!”

 

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