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And Then Things Got Weird….

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Prey-Lewd (Introduction of ^^ö^^ Bats)

BATS-FINAL LG>Prey-Lewd
(Enemy Territory)
Čachtice, Slovakia (Formerly Hungary)

 

Inside his melon-sized head, the bus driver heard the menacing voice of Boris Karloff: “Even your bus is dead, Kimo.”

Please! Anywhere but here. Not in front of creepy Čachtice Castle, thought the Type A Tours driver with the name tag: ‘Aloha, My name is Big Kimo.’

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Kimo announced, “we may be here awhile, so you can get out of the bus, walk around a little and stretch if you like.”

Bats and huge fanged moths — the kind that would happily eat your shorts—with you in them — were attracted to the lights within the bus and began pounding themselves against the windows. Anyone who was about to ‘go outside and stretch’ quickly gave up on the foolish idea.

“Look, driver!” Someone stood and pointed out of the right side of the bus. Big Kimo couldn’t see anything, at first.

“It’s a lady!” said a British woman in back.

Oh, boy…and she has dogs!” said her son. Four shadows trotted from the parked Bats Mobile and took their places behind the Countess. They held baskets in their mouths.

Sure enough, a tall beautiful woman was approaching the bus from the car. She was bathed in moonlight. She wore a bouffant hairdo and a checkered blue homemakers dress straight out of the 1950s. The lovely redhead waved at Kimo through the closed door. She held up a pitcher of an ice-cold beverage and a stack of Dixie Cups. He relaxed.

“Oh goody, goody!” a child in the front seat squealed. “The nice lady brought us Kool-Aid!”

What the tourists thought was rain, started to hit the windows. The drops were plague tears. The sound of the wind was a sickening wheeze.

“Let her in, driver! The poor woman’s blouse is soaked,” a woman from Ireland called out. All of the men were suddenly interested. “It must be the lady of the house,” she said.

I hope it isn’t the lady of the house, thought Kimo. The Bloody Countess, Elizabeth Bathory once lived here. That was centuries ago. Still, it is Čachtice!

The canines stood guard in shadows behind their mistress. Kimo opened the glass door—Oh, what the hell—with a hiss. “The dogs will have to stay outside.” The tall beauty, a very well-put-together June Cleaverhe thought, stepped up into the bus taking a wide stance in front in of the passengers. The “nice lady,” wet, was a great deal “nicer” than most had expected. She captured everyone’s complete attention despite their age, sex, race, nationality, or even in the case of Mrs. Bernstein in the back, species.

“Hello, you nice people. I’m Mrs. June Cleaver!” Elizabeth Bathory, The Bloody Countess lied.

Kimo was taken back. Cleaver? Why don’t I like that name?

Her audience was riveted on the icy pitcher of swirling sky blue liquid that she displayed.

“I brought you some refreshments while you are waiting to be rescued,” said the beguiling housewife. “I’ve got dozens of our best local Batina’s cookies and something to quench your thirst. Here! Pass them back. Thank you. If it’s all right with Big Kimo, maybe I could teach you nice folks a little bit about our local cuisine.”

The tired driver nodded, stared out the bus window into the falling tears of regret and moaning thunder, and decided that he didn’t like the size of those dogs. They were very well behaved and they were all wearing white kerchiefs. No, those are bibs! Cleaver. Cleaver. The name still made him nervous.

“We’re proud of our Fritz Haarmann cutlery,” said the perky housewife. “Mr. Haarmann was originally a meat salesman from Germany, but now he makes and tests his fine cutlery products right here in Transylvania.” She smiled at the man sitting in front of her. “Are you from Germany? Then you would certainly appreciate the craftsmanship. I mean, just look at this beautiful cleeeeeeeeaver!” The big bald German didn’t understand one word. While he smiled up at the outline of her ‘chilled’ nipples above, she stared down at the reflection of the blade on his shiny head. She raised her cleaver, “Just feel this edge!”

Soon, Mrs. Cleaver/Elizabeth was doing the backstroke up and down the blood-filled center aisle of the bus as her good doggies dragged piles of tourist vittles into the Countess’ sob-flooded front yard.

The Countess Elizabeth’s housekeeper, Penelope, disposed of the bus with an explosion fueled by bat guano.

All of this took five minutes.

The flapping bats applauded.

Elizabeth, curtsied, leapt into her muscle car, and floored the gas pedal five-hundred miles to Poenari.

 

goreybat.jpg

A Return to Damnalot — BATS ^^ö^^

13. Final Tragic Mountain LARGE FLATTENED

Buy Bats HERE >>> https://www.amazon.com/Bats-Fred-Barnett-ebook/dp/B00T2XBVYU/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

***

Vlad’s Castle was surrounded by amusement park rides, lights, and sported a new fifty-foot neon sign: Black Flags Tragic Mountain. Vlad kicked at the old skulls rimming the ditch. An unusually large noggin clamped its jaws down on his boot. “Ah! The great doctor! Look, Elizabeth! It’s old Abraham Van Helsing himself!” Vlad lifted his foot to show the skull his castle. “Say goodbye to your grandchildren, Abe. Or maybe it vill be hello.” The Prince swung the foot into a rock and smashed Abe’s bony brain bucket to smithereens. “Elizabeth, the love of my death, vhy am I here attacking my own castle? Never again!”

The Bats Mobile stood idle, growling and ready, with the bodies of Gibors stuck in its tire treads and front grill (Gibors were only worth two points apiece). I’ll open the trunk!” said Mina. “Let’s let the zombie out. She could use some fresh dust.”

Penelope fell from the trunk and crawled toward her master, Elizabeth. Was the moldy oldie actually trying to smile? Freezing rain began to pelt the Transylvanians. It felt wonderful to Elizabeth as it steamed off of her hot skin.

Penelope grabbed onto Vlad’s cape and pulled herself up from the muddy ground. Proudly she joined the other Transylvanians. Hand in hand, paw in paw, wing in wing, hand on butt cheeks, with the blood-red moon breaking through the clouds behind them, their brave silhouettes lined the ridge. The ridge was once home to a grand display of impaled enemy corpses that had long since rotted away and had once served as a very effective warning to invaders. The moon rose and illuminated the captive castle below. They had no guns. The Transylvanians were their own best weapons, when and if they ever let go of each other’s butt cheeks.

Bats ^^ö^^ The Witch Meets the Bikers

BATS-FINAL LG>

Find the book BATS at: https://www.amazon.com/Bats-Fred-Barnett-ebook/dp/B00T2XBVYU/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

“Who are you and what do you know about Infinity Upton-Downes?” thundered Tor, the largest of the motorcycle club known as the Hell’s Angles (Architects on vacation). “How would you know that Infinity Upton-Downes ain’t home? Her Witchipedia biography says that she lives in Transylvania year-round. I know everything about her…’cept what she looks like. I imagine that she’s pretty hot after readin’ her novels.”

“Oh. Howwwww do I know she isn’t home, snowflake? ’Cause you’re talkin’ to her, ya big ugly bastard! What happened to your eye?”

“Huh?”

“Your eye! Are ya deaf too? Bend down and let me take a look you got something…right there!” She poked it. “Nyuk, nyuk.”

“Ow! Old bat!”

“You’re fine, petal. Look through this telescope. See!” The telescope left a big black greasy circle around Tor’s poked eye. “So, you don’t believe that I am the famous Infinity? Have you read Tragic Lust #34? Of course you haven’t! I just finished writing it. It’s a romantic called Go-Go West, Young Man.”

Lupta, who used Infinity Upton Downes as her pen name, waved her cane and began to recite:

“Ahem… Time. Stood. Still. Broken by an intensifying vibration, Thunder Thigh’s glistening bronze body began to quake. Handsome Jack’s mighty maracas nearly shook loose. The Paiute guide howled when she clamped down and crushed the stunned studly Spillwell’s notorious hardened spike… The wagon master’s dying wail triggered the legendary Montana avalanche known by all school-age children today as ‘Fuckin’ awesome!’”

Tor turned to his leader, Chester. “Holy Swiss cheese, Chester!”

“Holy…It’s really her!” said Brutehilda, Chester’s monstrous spouse.

Fuckin’ illiterates, thought Lupta.

“Yup. That’s Infinity,” said a Viking-helmeted man in a business suit, named Lutefisk.

Willowy Mina shook her head. She still couldn’t believe that her own aunty, Lupta Axe, was the famous author of the disturbing books that she had been hiding beneath her mattress with her deluxe Willie Wanker Bar.

Seven-foot Tor bent down and kissed Lupta’s black heavy heeled shoes and began to bawl like a baby.

“Enough, my Swedish meatball. You kids won’t find the god-blessed Countess and Prince Vlad at home neither!”

“Of course they’re not home,” said Brutehilda. “Vlad the Impaler and Bathory the Bloody Countess died hundreds of years ago.”

Lupta pointed her crooked cane at Elizabeth’s rumbling Challenger. “Do you see the hottie behind the wheel with red pinstripes in her hair and glowing boobs next to the guy with the funny mustache smoking god-knows-what-unfortunate-creature in his pipe while wiping the unicorn shit off of his shoe? Well, that’s them sitting in the car, turd loaf. You’re looking at the genuine Prince Vlad the Impaler Dracula Tepes,” (From behind the windshield, Vlad smiled and mimed “Hi!” as he lifted his Meerschaum pipe and eyebrows.) “and the Bloody Countess Elizabeth ‘Hot Wheels’ Bathory, the real deal.”  — Elizabeth grinned like a bear trap while flashing her glowing red-hot nipples …. . .-.. .-.. —, which in Morse code translated to “Hello.” They even beeped.

In Enemy Territory – BATS ^^Ö^^ — Chapter 1

In Enemy Territory

Čachtice, Slovakia (Formerly Hungary)

pagebreak

BATS ^^Ö^^ — OPENING CHAPTER — In Enemy Territory

Čachtice, Slovakia (Formerly Hungary)

Inside his melon-sized head, the tour bus driver could hear the voice of Boris Karloff:

“Even your bus is dead, Kimo.”

Please! Anywhere but here. Not in front of creepy Čachtice Castle, thought the ‘Type-A-Tours’ the driver with the name tag: ‘Aloha, My name is Kimo.’

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he announced. “We may be here awhile, so you can get out of the bus, walk around a little and stretch if you like.”

Bats and huge fanged moths — the kind that would happily eat your shorts—with you in them — were attracted to the lights within the bus and began pounding themselves against the windows. Anyone who was about to ‘go outside and stretch’ quickly gave up on the foolish idea.

“Look, driver!” Someone stood and pointed out of the right side of the bus. Kimo couldn’t see anything, at first.

“It’s a lady!” said a British woman in back.

Oh, boy…and she has dogs!” said her son. Four shadows trotted from the parked Bats Mobile and took their places behind the Countess. They held baskets in their mouths.

Sure enough, a tall beautiful woman was approaching the bus from the car. She was bathed in moonlight. She wore a bouffant hairdo and a checkered blue homemakers dress straight out of the 1950s. The lovely redhead waved at the unnerved Kimo through the closed door. She held up a pitcher of an ice-cold beverage and a stack of Dixie Cups. He relaxed.

“Oh goody, goody!” a child in the front seat squealed. “The nice lady brought us Kool-Aid!”

What the tourists thought was rain, started to hit the windows. The drops were plague tears. The sound of the wind was a sickening wheeze.

“Let her in, driver! Her clothes are getting soaked” a man from Ireland called out. Soaked? All of the men were suddenly interested. “It must be the lady of the house.”

I hope it isn’t the lady of the house, thought Kimo. The Bloody Countess, Elizabeth Bathory once lived here. That was centuries ago. Still, it is Čachtice!

The canines stood guard in shadows behind their mistress. Kimo opened the glass door—Oh, what the hell—with a hiss. “The dogs will have to stay outside.” The tall beauty, a very well-put-together June Cleaverhe thought, stepped up into the bus taking a wide stance in front in of the passengers. The “nice lady,” wet, was a great deal “nicer” than most had expected. She captured everyone’s complete attention despite their age, sex, race, nationality, or even in the case of Mrs. Bernstein in the back, species.

“Hi, everyone! I’m June Cleaver!” Elizabeth Bathory, The Bloody Countess lied.

Kimo was taken back. June Cleaver?  Cleaver….

Her audience was riveted on the icy pitcher of sky blue liquid that she displayed.

“I brought you some refreshments while you are waiting to be rescued,” said the beguiling housewife. “I’ve got dozens of our best local Batina’s cookies and something to quench your thirst. Here! Pass them back. Thank you. If it’s all right with Mr. Kimo, maybe I could teach you nice folks a little bit about our local cuisine.”

The tired driver nodded, stared out the bus window into the tears and moaning thunder, and decided that he didn’t like the size of those dogs. They were very well behaved and they were all wearing white kerchiefs. No, those are bibs! June Cleaver…June Cleaver. The name was making him nervous.

“We’re proud of our Fritz Haarmann cutlery,” said June. “Mr. Haarmann was originally a meat salesman, but he now manufactures his fine cutlery products in Transylvania.” She smiled at the man sitting in front of her. “Are you from Germany? Then you would certainly appreciate the craftsmanship on these knives. I mean, just look at this beautiful cleeeeeeeeaver!” The big bald German didn’t understand one word. He smiled up at her chilled boobs. She stared at the reflection of the blade on his shiny head as she raised her arm. “Just feel this edge!”

Soon, Mrs. Cleaver/Elizabeth was doing the backstroke up and down the blood-filled center aisle of the bus as her good doggies dragged piles of tourist parts into the Countess’ tear-flooded front yard. Elizabeth’s housekeeper, Penelope, disposed of the bus with an explosion fueled by bat guano.

Elizabeth’s family, leaning against her shiny Bats Mobile, applauded. All of this took five minutes.

*****

After clean-up, the Countess Elizabeth Bathory emerged from Čachtice’ main gate and walked toward her loving family, ready for action.

“How’s it hangin’ troops?” she asked.

“From the rafters, baby!” said Elizabeth’s slobbering main squeeze, Vlad, who was busy aurally undressing her with a combination of suggestive squeaks and smutty echolocational chirps.

“Get a tomb, you two!” said her embarrassed daughter, the willowy Mina.

Bats ^^Ö^^ The Dinner Hall Scene

“No one tells my Gibor children what to do, Gretel Van Helsing!”roared the twenty-foot tall Saturn who had burst through the door and took a place in front of Vlad’s crew. He squatted and opened his arms to the stupid trusting Gibors. “Come to Daddy, kids!”

“This doesn’t look good, brother!”said Gretel. “We should make like lightning, and bolt!”

Always obedient, the repulsive Gibors ran into the arms of their daddy, who had created their miserable but delectable race long ago in ancient Mesopotamia. Daddy Saturn began to bite their heads off in quick succession. The entire room, already sick to their stomachs, was startled to see a continuous splattering loop of Francisco Goya’s Saturn Eating His Son. Drooling, the giant smiled with his mouth full, burped and asked, “Who’s got the Sriracha?”― from “Bats”

^^Ö^^

https://read.amazon.com/kp/kshare?asin=B00T2XBVYU&id=Uu0mDM37T0ytYenmK4-pdg&reshareId=1V1PQ9PGQSKVH69GKF7J&reshareChannel=system

Yay! Though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow

Yay! Though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow
(an Excerpt from Fred Barnett’s ‘Bats’)

Riding in the 1970 Dodge Challenger are Vlad and Elizabeth (bloodsuckers), young Jonathan and Mina (up & coming bloodsuckers) and everyone’s favorite aunty, Lupta Axe, the Witch.

Elizabeth paid the fee and they parked. The crew of five piled out of her Barracuda and walked toward the VSD picnic area. Vlad knelt down on the newly dead grass. “This is the very spot where I found that stone that Elizabeth is wearing now.”
Mina looked at Elizabeth’s black diamond pendant wide-eyed. “Right here? Do you have any idea what that stone is worth? We could buy back the entire …” Mina stopped and stared.
A tall black robed figure approached them from the woods. Vlad thought Ah, yes, just what the world needs another freakin’ gothy black-robed figure. It was ‘the one and only Shadow,’ as in ‘The Shadow of the Valley of Death.’
The group froze before the Shadow’s frightening specter.
The Shadow turned slowly and spoke to Elizabeth. “What’s up, bitch?”
“Bitch? I was telling my family here just what a miserable little…” The Countess paused. “Listen flushabye, we came here to tell you that a group of the Van Helsing’s mercenaries are on their way to cut down all of your precious trees.”
“No way. Why would you warn me? After you called me, like, a ‘bit of a dick.”
“I’m shocked!” said Mina. “You called Shadow of Death a dick? No way!”
“Whatever! And my last name is O’Death.” said Shadow. “You can like, eat my shorts, skank!”
“Ewww. Not Even,” said Mina.
“I see that you are familiar with the language of the Valley, lithesome one?” asked the robed dick.
“Stop that.Everyone!” demanded Elizabeth. “The Van Helsing’s soldiers will be here in a few minutes. We need to surprise them.”
Vlad stepped forward. “We will hide, but in plain sight. Mr. O’Death would you be so kind to fetch some black robes, and, maybe some cups and plates. Let’s make it look like a family picnic.”
“All right, I’ll go check out my extensive wardrobe.” said Shadow. “It will cost you!”
“He is a dick, isn’t he? ” said Jonathan. He turned to Shadow who was gliding back toward his cabin in the trees “We’re here to save your valley, you ungrateful dead pric…!” Jonathan stopped speaking when he saw that the ground was completely covered in huge black gleaming diamonds. “Unholy fute! Wow!”
Shadow soon glided back toward the picnic area with a pile of neatly folded and monogrammed robes. “These belong to my family. The ‘M’ is for Marchand O’Death. He is my brother. We call him the Merchant, Angel, my sister and my parents, Void O’Death and my mom, Abyss or Abbie. I keep clean robes here for when they visit. Put them on, and sit at the table. I also brought along a bottle of O- plasma.” Shadow set a picnic basket down on the bench. “Have a drink.”
(Two minutes later …)
“Here come the mercenaries.” said Lupta. “Just keep talking. Anti-Christ! What in the heaven are they wearing?”
The Mercenaries, were dressed in pastel colored jumpsuits, heavily armed and equipped with chainsaws. They approached the picnic bench.
Vlad’s group carried on as if the mercenaries were not even there.
As if.
“Dude,” Shadow said to Jonathan.“Your babe is totally hot.”
 “Tre. As if! As if you’ll ever get to score any, looooooser.” said Jonathan, pretending to answer his cell phone.
 “Whoa! Who’s being a pulă (dick) now?” said Shadow, pretending to dial his.
The apparent leader of the mercenaries, dressed in avocado green, rapped his knuckles on the table. “I am Arsch Hut (Ass Hat)!” he said. “We are Die Kleinen Pferde (The Little Horsies) and we are taking control of this valley. Let me introduce a few of my colleagues. This is Tasse Kuchen (Cup Cake), and Numnum Knödel (Numnum Dumpling) among a few of my other favorites.
The colorfully dressed Horsies loomed over the picnic table, above the black figures who continued chatting, drinking plasma from Dixie Cups and ignoring them.
“Who isssss in charge here?” demanded Arsch Hut (Ass Hat).
“I’m the big Kahuna around here,” said Shadow. “I like the outfits. Cute. Festive!”
“You really like them?” asked Silber Tanga (Silver Thong). “We did the rhinestones ourselves,”
“We’re also part of a men’s chorus called the Van Hell Singers,” added the multi-colored Regenbogen Zuhälter (Rainbow Pimp).
Pastie Funkeln (Pastie Sparkle) curtsied then pulled the rope on his blue chainsaw (the one that matched his eyes and outfit). He stomped on the ground when he was unable to start it.
“Gnarly Chainsaws.” said Shadow. “What are you guys planning to do?”
“Cut down all of your trees.”
“For skateboards?”
“No silly,” said Numnum Knödel. “Parking spots for the new amusement park.”
Jonathan began talking to Mina. “Janis says that she is dating Steve!” He stuck his index finger into his throat making believe he was going to, like, hurl.
“Like oh my god. For real? That’s sick!” said Elizabeth “I’d better let Ashley hear this.” She dialed her phone.
“Steve? The poser?” said Vlad, opening his phone. “He deals ecstacy.”
“Not even!.” said Lupta.
 “Even!” said Mina, who was also making believe that she was talking to her best friend Courtney.
“Not even!” said Jonathan, said Jonathan into his phone.
 “Even!”said Shadow, who was texting.
“Achtung! Excuse me!” said, Arsch Hut, the Horsie’s commander. He was becoming very angry.
Vlad was sexting Elizabeth a picture of his looooong tongue, while speaking to Mina . “I would like totally hang up on the dude. He’s no Baldwin,”
They all heard a far away rumbling was heard. Lupta Axe perked her ears up. No! It can’t be! After months away, her twenty-foot-tall wayward husband, Saturn, was stomping his way home through the forest, whistling while he whittled a load of sharpened branches, most of which he carried on his huge shoulder.
The group needed to keep talking and killing time. Vlad, the big-shot warrior, was trying to think of a plan when Elizabeth had just sexted him back a nude portrait she had posed for in the 17th century.
“Well, I’m seeing Susan Anderson now,” bragged Shadow.
“Ewwwwww. Total slutbag.” said Jonathan.
“No way.”said Shadow.
Arsch banged on the table. Elizabeth looked up calmly. “Have a seat. Take a chill pill.”
“Fick you, and your ugly Challenger,” replied the very rude and impatient Horsie commander.
“Elizabeth! Dudette!” said Lupta while looking toward the edge of the park. “These douches totally egged your wheels in the parking lot!”
Elizabeth was seething. “Noooooo fucking wayyyy!” She couldn’t attack until Vlad had a plan. She texted Vlad: “Plan, Darling??? Hurry d fk up!” He sexted her back a shot of his middle finger between his legs under his robe.
“Excuse me!” said, Arsch Hut. “What are all of these black rocks? Valuable?”
“Black diamonds, guacamole dude.” said Shadow. “Take ‘em. Just leave the trees alone. Careful, they’ll cut right through your … the assholes are wearing disco boots?
“Really? First, we have orders to cut down all…Oh, mein Gott! The ground is covered with them?!” said the wide-eyed Arsch.
“They are not man-made cheapos. They are made of Human bones stressed for a minimum of three centuries.”
“Three centuries?” asked Luftigen Brötchen (Breezy Buns). “How are they pressurized so quickly?”
“Extreme stress,” said Shadow.
“You mean pressure?” asked Arsch Hut.
“No, Stress,” said Shadow. “These diamonds come from the bones of people who’d done nothing in life. Their souls remain within the bones until they are reincarnated into something useful, like a family pet, a dildo or a pizza. The first thing that we do, every day, is wake the bones with a loud alarm clock. Then we turn on the guilt. “Dead is no excuse.” I tell them. “I’m dead, but you don’t see me laying around. Look at your dead brother. He was a millionaire doctor! Get your feet off of the couch!”
Next, we give them irrational things to worry about by playing the TV news sixteen hours a day.
When “rest period” comes, we wake them every fifteen minutes with a combination of heavy bass disco, incessant barking dogs, power tools and crying babies. Oh, and sulphuric fart gas that they cannot escape from.
Then we threaten them all day with divorce, symptoms of illness, loss of work, hair, sexual dysfunction, and finances, lawsuits, teenage acne, unwanted hair, public embarrassment …well, you get the idea.
Before you know it, their bones have become huge black diamonds.”
“Fer shur.” said Elizabeth. “You’re okay, Shadow.”
Arsch Hut and his men bent down at the waist to gather the stones, failing to look behind them.
Several sharpened tree limbs shot from the woods, impaling all of the Horsies right up their big wazoozies as they were bent over in a line. A booming voice followed. “Hi honey, I’m home!”
“Saturn!” Lupta screamed.
“Uncle Saturn!” said Elizabeth. “Let’s decorate! I also feel festive!”
Saturn got to work stabbing the skewered bodies into the soil along the path toward the trees. “They look like popsicles. Can I eat one?” he said, proud of his display.
A frog fell from the sky as a flurry of roaches ran through the woods, heralding the new Plague Season,
“Plague season, again?” asked Jonathan.
“Three times a year, Jonny. Isn’t it just lovely?” said the very happy Lupta.
“Toooh-tally tubular!” said Mina.
“Radical!” said Shadow.
Four-and-a- half-foot-tall Lupta and twenty-foot-tall Saturn walked back toward the lot hand-in-hand beside Shadow. “You’re okay, Shadow.” she said. “You’re not such a tool after all. As a reward, in my next novel, I’ll let you bone Elmira.”
“Elmira, the evil queen?”
“No. The entire town of Elmira, California, stud.”
“Awesome! I want to marry your books. Seriously!”

Pull My Finger! (Another excerpt from Bats by Fred Barnett)

BATS

Excerpt from “Bats” by Fred Barnett (Coming soon!)

“Pull my finger!” 

“One of the oldest, and most effective gags in the world.” ★★★★★ Slime Magazine 

Featured in Auntie Lupta’s Grab Bag of Gags for Hags

and her Big Book of Cogent Curses for Crones

_______________

Time: Modern Day

Candy, the Dominance Pizza delivery person is driving the Bats Mobile full of Transylvanians (vampies, a witch, wolves, and bats) east, toward Čachtice Castle, to rescue the Bloody Countess Elizabeth from the even more evil Van Helsing Twins (Hansel and Gretel). Once she is free, Elizabeth (the only ‘person’ besides Candy who is allowed to drive) must take the entourage, plus her zombie housekeeper, Penelope (looking forward to a “hot” date), west, to save Vlad’s embattled home at Poenari. Candy joins Question Mark (“?”) and the bikers who follow…

_______________ 

Čachtice Castle: The Magic Tower

Gretel Van Helsing was bending down near the Countesses hand. “Her ring doesn’t fit, brother! It’s loose!”  

“Just take it then!” said Hansel.

Elizabeth’s mind was still sharp. A devious message — a trick, from the witch Lupta Axe snuck in to her brain. She must be nearby! Thank you, Auntie! Thought Elizabeth. 

Though her stomach ached from the Naga–Chili-Stuffed dinner earlier, Elizabeth managed to bare her fangs and challenge the twins.“If you think that you can take my father’s ring, I’d like to see you try!”

Meanwhile below…

The Bat’s Mobile, Elizabeth’s 1970 Sapphire Hemi Dodge Challenger, pulled into the driveway of Elizabeth’s Čachtice Castle. The car’s inhabitants had already sung Ninety-nine Bottles of Beer five times, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt four times and were now into the second verse of the maritime classic “Barnacle Balls the Sailor.” 

‘What if you should get the chair? What if you should get the chair?

What if you should get the chair? Said the fair Young Maiden…’

“All together now!” said Candy, the pizza delivery driver at the wheel.

“I’ll lay a fart and blow it apart!” said Barnacle Balls the Sailorrrr….”

Everyone was singing. Hubba, the wolf, and his mate Hubba Hubba howled along cheerfully, alerting the imprisoned Countess in her tower above. Both wolves suddenly stopped singing. They sensed dread, apocalypse in the air. Their naughty sea shanty changed to doleful wails.

Meanwhile, upstairs …

Elizabeth’s ears perked up. They’re down stairs! Outside! Good doggies!

“Pull it!” said Gretel.

“What?” Hansel looked worried. Uneasy.

“I said, pull her finger! If you won’t, I …will!”

Hansel pulled. Elizabeth threw her head back in a howl of laughter.

“What’s so funny, fiend?” asked Gretel. “We’re going to take everything that you love away from you. Pull harder, brother!

The walls began to tremble and moan. 

Elizabeth was on the cusp of a great release, her evil grin nearly orgasmic, as the dust from the walls shook loose.

“She’s fooled us!” said Hansel. “It’s the old ‘Pull My Finger’ trick …I should have …Duck!”

Amidst the roar, the walls made from hardened unicorn shit evaporated. The canopy of stars twisted as if empathizing with the stricken Countess. Newborn galaxies spun away from the chaos.

Hideo, the vulture, swept down and snatched the Van Helsing twins from the sky as they were blown hundreds of feet above the castle.

The Countess Elizabeth remained on the bare stone floor of the tower which now had no walls. Her nightgown was torn to ribbons. Her furniture and the marble chair were simply gone.

“Jesus! Who cut the cheese?!” said Mina, who was the first to appear at what used to be a doorway. She had literally flown up the stairs to the tower. 

Vlad, landed right behind Mina, began to salivate at the sight of the shredded nightgown, and made the mistake of inhaling before he spoke, “Are you okay, Darl …? Unholy fuhhhque!” His mustache wilted.

Young Jonathan, who had heroically slithered up to the top of the tower to help, nearly lost his footing when he was pelted with hundreds of dead birds. He managed to slither back down to safety.

“Don’t!” The embarrassed Elizabeth raised her hand up in warning as she tried to catch her wind…I mean breath. “Don’t come in! I’m …I’m fine! I’ll get dressed and be right down.” 

________________

Midnight

The Countess Elizabeth Bathory emerged from the main gate, showered and ready for action.

Transformed into a blithering blob of blood jello, Vlad said, “Mlop!” This happened whenever Elizabeth put on her “standard” combat attire: a black backless fishnet halter, tight red cigarette pants, lethal stiletto heels and a very short midnight blue skirt (with a wide array of handy pockets designed to hold zip ties, duct tape, and paper clips). Her red streaked hair was tied in a long braid (I know that you are interested). Vlad had to avert his eyes to restrain his untamed limbă.

 

 The Journey Back to Poenari

Jonathan poured the remaining jugs of Gibor juice (blood and fixins) into the Bats Mobile’s tank. When he was done, he slid into the middle of the front seat next to the Countess, the only one who could drive. Vlad always took “shotgun.” The two bats Cherubino and Angioletto hung from the bars supporting the convertible top. The wolves, Hubba and Hubba Hubba, sat in the back seat with Lupta Axe.The willowy Mina sat in the middle of the back seat, as she might blow out of the car with sudden gust of wind or a …uh, never mind

Elizabeth’s gloomy zombie housekeeper, Penelope, was humming “John Brown’s Body” as she, herself was a-mouldering in the car’s trunk. 

  The smell of sulphur still lingered in the air outside. The trees around Čachtice Castle continued to burn as Elizabeth and her passengers drove away.

Candy had joined “?” (The hunchback Question Mark) on his Segway and along with Vlad’s new army, the recently “bat indoctrinated” Hell’s Angles Architect and Motorcycle club, they would follow the Countess’ Bats Mobile five hundred miles back toward Poenari.

In the car, Jonathan clicked on the radio. Elizabeth’s daddy’s record “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” was playing. Every time the lyrics “Gas, gas, gas,” came on, the group in the back seat would sing and howl along.

“Cut that out you kids! Or do I have to stop the car!’ Elizabeth yelled.

“Sorry, Countess,” said Mina. “Are you mad?”

“Fuuuuuming!” said Vlad. (He couldn’t resist.)

“That’s it!” Elizabeth pulled the Challenger over to the side of the road. “One more fart joke and I’m gonna get out of the car, break an old harpy’s head, dig a fuckin’ hole, and …and …then I’ll …I’ll…”

“You’ll call me up at dinner time and ask me if I can complete a five minute survey?” yelled Lupta.

“Devious idea, I must admit. Is that what you’d really like me to do, auntie?”

“No.” said Lupta, sheepishly.

“ Then watch it, buster!” yelled the Countess. 

“Lighten up, Elizabeth,” said Vlad. “We’re just breakin’ your balls. C’mon let’s go.”

Countess Elizabeth emotionally overwrought, buried her face in her hands and began to bawl.”

Vlad turned his head toward the back seat. “Do you see what you’ve done to Liz?”

“Liz?” asked Lupta. “Who’s the heaven is Liz?”

This the heaven is Liz! Do you see what you’ve all done to my little Elizabeth?”

Elizabeth shot Vlad a venomous glance.”Little, huh? I could kick yourrrrrr leathery ass.”

“Listen, dearie.” Lupta Axe said to Elizabeth.”How about a snack? Some leftover Caliente Casserole?”

Elizabeth steered the car back onto the pavement.

Vlad turned around. “Lupta, let’s change the subject. Hey! Let’s sing some folk songs!” 

Jonathan, who had begun napping, suddenly looked back toward Mina. “Pass over the guitar, Mina.”

Lupta shouted out, “Jonny, do you know ‘Blowin’ in the Wind?’”

The car jerked to a halt. “Motherfucker! That’s it! I’m gonna destroy that desiccated stick of jerky!” screamed Elizabeth. 

“What’s desiccated,” asked Lupta?

“I’ll show you desiccated!” Two bolts of lightning shot from the Countess’ black pupils, bounced off the rear view mirror, and set Lupta’s dry hay stack of hair on fire. 

Lepta only cackled. 

 

From the Land of the Pharoahs

“Whoa!” shouted Vlad. 

“Watch out!” shouted Jonathan. 

While the Countess raged, the car had narrowly side-swiped a Mummy enjoying a foot-dragging stroll near Astray Trail. 

“Asshole”!!! (Fuckers!!!), said the enraged Kharis. Startled, he had dropped his chalis of tanna leaf tea. “Young Punks” (Young Punks!) He cursed and pointed his amulet at the car as it passed. Disgusted, the mummy tried to resume the slow easy peace of his evening shuffle. Kharis loved his midnight walks which usually culminated in vengeance upon British scientists and the throat of the reincarnated Princess Ananka, the woman who dared to reject him.

Hubba the wolf howled toward the moon above. “We saw a mummy, and we have had 500 miles of open window!”

 

God’s “Monkey Wrench”

At 1 a.m. Sinatra’s “Summer Wind” began to play on the car radio, to the Countesses obvious displeasure.”Change the station! Now!”

      Elizabeth had had enough guano for one night. Her rage was suddenly broken when above the loud music, a loud knocking came from the rear of the car.

“What in blessed Heaven? Said the dozing Jonathan.

“Flat tire?” said Lupta. 

“Oh, no. Not now!” said Mina.

“That’s your housekeeper, Penelope,” said Vlad. “She might be lonely, stuffed back there. Maybe she’s hungry. You better pull over. Zombies are ‘God’s monkey wrenches’ to be thrown into the machinery when things seem to be running smoothly. Full of surprises”

Lupta blurted out, “Like a whoopie cushion?”

Frankie Lane music blasted from the radio. Luckily, Elizabeth didn’t hear Lupta’s comment as she steered onto the shoulder.

Jonathan grabbed the keys, jumped out and stood back as he flipped open the trunk. Elizabeth reached for her pistol from beneath the front seat and got out. The rest followed. The light from the trunk shone on Mina as she stood guard with a hammer, a machete and a wooden stake “in case there was any funny business” with the zombie.

“Sonofabitch!” said Jonathan. “Elizabeth! A gun? I thought the miserable woman was dead.” 

“She is, kiddo.” said Elizabeth, firing three shots into Penelope’s wormy cadaver.

“Well, you just killed her again!” said Lupta.

Elizabeth took a breath, relaxed her shoulders, lifted the pistol again. “It’s only murder if she stays dead!”

Jonathan grabbed her wrist. “Stop! Don’t shoot the face! She’s got a big date with Huthbert.”

“Let her rest in peace. She’s dead enough,” said Vlad. “Do you feel better now? We need to get back before sunup.”

Willowy Mina gently removed the gun from Elizabeth’s hand — took aim, and continued to empty two more rounds into the dismal rotting thing named Penelope. “Borrrring.” She handed the gun back to the Countess. “Zombies are like inflatable punching clowns.” 

Vlad sympathetically placed his filthy razor-sharp claws on Elizabeth’s shoulder as she walked around to the driver’s side. “Would you like me to …drive?”

Without answering, the Countess pocketed the gun, climbed back into the Challenger and paused to take another breath before turning the ignition key. “I’ll be okay! Besides, none of you ‘fine nobility’ know how to f’n drive!” Elizabeth said with a snark. “Just be quiet. All of you.” She pulled the Challenger back onto the pavement. “Let’s get out of here.” 

“Well, then,” said Lupta. “You’d better step on the…..”

“Don’t say it!” While hurtling down Route 13 at ninety-miles-per-hour, Elizabeth took the gun out of her pocket and pointed it back toward Lupta. “Not ONE word.” The little witch held her crooked hands up in mock defense.

  This time, Vlad turned his head around 180 degrees, turned crimson and roared within a torrent of bile,“You DO NOT want Elizabeth to stop the car … again, and have ME come back there! I PROMISE that BOTH of you WILL NOT be able to sit for a week …What’s that?” 

Out of the trunk they heard a tortured moan. 

“Oh, no,” said Mina.

“Moses fucking H. Christ! What does that dust magnet want NOW?!?” hissed the exasperated Countess. 

Another Loud bang and “Wwharrrrrrrr Uuuuuumnk!” came out the trunk. (Zombish translation: “Are we almost there? I have to go pottyyyyy.”)

“I dunno. Zombies are kinda cool.” Jonathan said. “They just don’t give a dusty fart about anything. Oops, sorry, Ma’am.”

Elizabeth gave him a look that could kill.

“Too late!” he winked back at her.

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