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…And Then Things Got Weird….

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Morning Brew, Kailua.

For Courtney, Eric and Peter & the fine staff who operate my 2nd home in Kailua- Morning Brew.

With a Thong (song) in my Heart

The disheveled lump on the bed is the hero of our story.

In the late 1960s and early 1970s, the world knew him as “Johnny Passion,” the once handsome front man of the rock group, The Love Muscle. 

He used to be that Johnny, the “original pop star.” These days, Rocker Boy, Mr. Passion, spends most of his time snoring, alone, in his king-sized bed.

Johnny abandoned his successful singing career in 1972 because of an incurable broken heart.

Johnny- The Formative Years

“Johnny” Passion was born Ionel GrtwszxtszckKyzt, (pronounced: Mngytr-grrrst-blik) in 1950, from immigrant Romanian parents.

Vlad and Bebe, his parents were not what you would call “your average, fresh-off-the-boat, hardworking Eastern European immigrants.” The GrtwszxtszckKyzts came to America as wealthy underwear magnates, who wanted to realize their real dream of becoming American TV personalities.

The GrtwszxtszckKyzts arrived on Liberty Island when the inebriated captain of their ship The S.S. Panty Liner, fell asleep at the wheel while heading for the Hamptons. The moon happened to be full, so Vlad, “a frisky Romanian,” ripped the captain’s throat out as retribution for the inconvenience. 

We don’t know very much about Johnny’s parents, except that his mother, Bebe, worked in “advertising” under the name “Bubbles LaRue,” while his father, Vlad, played drums under the name “Sammy Davis jr.- jr.-jr. or Sammy Davis IV,” although Vlad’s black housekeeper and drum teacher, Mattie, used to tell him, “You’re the whitest white boy I ever did see.” 

The GrtwszxtszckKyzts had changed their last name Bubble’s maiden name, Passion, after the first year in America.

* * * *

As a duo, Sammy (Vlad) and Bubbles (Bebe) were very popular entertainers in Romania Town, an area which encompassed three small apartments above a candy store in Brooklyn.

When the four-year-old entered a private nursery school, he was registered by his mother as Ionel Passion.

Ionel’s parents retired from show business in 1955, and opened an exclusive New York lingerie store called “In a Bunch,” where the child spent most of his charmed childhood.

* * * *

“The women customers would ask me, when I was still a child, to sing for them while they tried on different items in the dressing rooms. After trying on intimate apparel, the finest women in New York would toss the ‘gently’ used items over the dressing room door, virtually burying me, a little kid in (mostly) sweet smelling undergarments.”

— Johnny Passion, The Authorized Biography

* * * *

In those happy, formative years, the future Johnny Passion had decided what he wanted to be when he grew up: Covered in ‘sweet smelling undergarments.’ 

In his will, many years later, he would again request that he be buried beneath ‘sweet smelling undergarments.’ 

* * * *

The Passions sold their business in 1960, and moved their family to California. They knew that Los Angeles was the right choice for their talented son. They were sure that he would someday be a star and hoped that young Ionel would become a household name, like Windex or ‘Hey, you!’ 

The truth was that entire world would soon know Johnny Passion!

The Odyssey of the Lawn Flamingos.18×24 acrylic. NEW

Featured post

With a Thong in My Heart

With a Thong in my Heart-Daddy was a Werewolf

Johnny- The Formative Years

“Johnny” Passion was born Ionel GrtwszxtszckKyzt, (pronounced: Mngytr-grrrst-blik) in 1950, from immigrant Romanian parents.

Johnny’s parents, Vlad and Bebe were not what you would call “your average, fresh-off-the-boat hardworking Eastern Europeans.” The GrtwszxtszckKyztes came to America as wealthy underwear magnates, who wanted to realize their real dream of becoming professional entertainers.

Vlad and Bebe arrived at Liberty Island when the inebriated captain of their ship The Panty Liner, fell asleep at the wheel while heading for the Hamptons. The moon happened to be full, so daddy Vlad, feeling furry and frisky, ripped the captain’s throat out as retribution for the inconvenience. 

We don’t know very much about Johnny’s parents, except that mom, Bebe, worked in “advertising” under the name “Bubbles LaRue,” while his dad, Vlad, played drums under the name “Sammy Davis jr.- jr.-jr. or Sammy Davis IV,” although Johnny’s drum teacher, Mattie, used to tell him, “You’re the whitest white boy I ever did see.” 

The GrtwszxtszckKyzts had changed their last name to wife Bubble’s maiden name, Passion, after their first year in America.

* * * *

As a duo, Sammy (Vlad) and Bubbles (Bebe) were very popular entertainers in Romania Town, an area which encompassed three small apartments above a candy store in Brooklyn.

When the four-year-old Ionel (pre-Johnny) entered private nursery school, he was registered by his mother as Ionel Passion.

Ionel’s parents retired from show business in 1955, and opened an exclusive New York lingerie store called “In a Bunch,” where the child spent most of his charmed childhood.

* * * *

“The women customers would ask me, when I was still a child, to sing for them while they tried on different items in the dressing rooms. After trying on intimate apparel, the finest women in New York would toss the ‘gently’ used items over the dressing room door, virtually burying me, a little kid in (mostly) sweet smelling undergarments.”

— Johnny Passion, The Authorized Biography

* * * *

In those happy, formative years, the future Johnny Passion had decided what he wanted to be when he grew up: Covered in ‘sweet smelling undergarments.’ 

In his will, many years later, he would again request that he be buried beneath ‘sweet smelling undergarments.’ 

* * * *

The Passions sold their business in 1960, and moved their family to California. They frealized that Los Angeles was the right choice for their prodigious son.

They were sure that he would someday be a star. He would become a household name, like Windex or ‘Hey you!’ The entire world would soon know Johnny Passion!

Kokonuts Kartunes 1982

Murray the flamingo & Fiji Freddy

Chili Dream. Acrylic . New

Chili Dream. Acrylic 11X14. New

Batshit: Chapter 7: Hippie Bait

Hippie Bait

The path to Bathory Castle was littered with Whole Foods coupons, bottles of room temperature purified water, and a sprinkling of low-fat almond honey granola. Mina followed the trail of gluten-free, non-GMO organic snacks, and water bottles. Hippie bait that had led scores of other all-willowy-an’-shit blondes straight to the Bloody Countess’ front door.

There were also Justin Bieber concert tickets on the ground. Virgin bait!

Was Mina about to become another victim to fall for one of Countess Bathory’s oldest tricks?

From inside, wolves were howling something oddly familiar; “Blue Moon” in beautiful four-part harmony.

Mina knocked. The Countess’ housekeeper, Penelope Weeps, put down her book, 50 Shades of Grey Matter 5 — “I love you for your mind,” and got up from her slab to answer the door. Ms. Weeps croaked and shooed the wolves away. Mina felt for the desiccated woman. Penelope Weeps, looking interminably sad, and crying without tears, silently shuffled away. Mina thought about offering the poor thing a free sample of her skin cream products

Yeah! Like a whole motherfucking gallon of the shit!

From the cold moonlight behind Mina, a woman’s voice drifted in with the fog. It was the voice of ‘the bloody countess’ herself. “Greetings, willowy one. I stopped setting out bait for hippie girls because their hair clogs my bathtub drain. I am very interested in your products, young lady. Welcome to Čachtice Castle. I am the countess,Elizabeth. Mina was shocked by the woman’s beauty, bearing and lack of attire. A short black silk robe barely covered the tall  countess’ most impressive figure. Though it was cold in the castle, the Countess seemed to radiate heat from within.

“Let me apologize for my servant’s moodiness. Poor thing. I’m afraid that Penny has been moping over her old love letters again. Eh! As we say at Čachtice, you’re always just in time for drinks.”

“Countess, the old Crone who’d sent me here told me that I too was a Bathory. My first name is Wilhelmina. Please, call me Mina or Willy or Wilhelmina.”

“I don’t like the name Willy. You’re not an orca. You look as though you could be knocked over by a bat băși!”

“A bat fart, Countess?”

“Let’s call you Mina.”

“How about a compromise then?” asked the young woman.

“Call you Hel? No. We can’t call you that, dear. That’s where my daddy works.”

“Your father was sent to Hell? I’m so sorry.”

“Daddy is the CEO, until Cheney arrives.”

“Oh, sure. I get it. Lon Cheney. You’re very funny, Countess.”

“Yes. I’m a million laughs.” Elizabeth turned to the moonlit window. A ‘Hello Batty’ patch was visible on the seat of her silk panties.” Please call me Elizabeth. You wouldn’t happen to be a virgin, would you?”

A wolf howled from a room above. “Ahhhooooooo…”

“Ah! Would you like to meet my children?”

“Uh…”

“Ferenc with his blue eyes! Dino! Children, come downstairs and meet our new guest!”

Mina looked up. They never came down the staircase or through the hallways. She heard a loooong wolf whistle, looked down and found herself surrounded by a pack of the largest wolves she’d ever seen. One was slobbering, the next was dribbling, the third was salivating, and the fourth was drooling.

“Do not be afraid, dear,” said Elizabeth as she set martini glasses on the floor for the wolves. “They sing right on pitch, unlike those poor mangy mutts outside or your laid back friend who thinks he’s James Taylor, except with hair. My mysterious driver unloaded your coolers and they are safe in the basement where things always remain…preserved. We’ll take a few of the coolers along with us to my paramour’s. Are you warm enough? I’ll bring along an extra cape. We’ll be taking a short drive of five hundred miles. On the way will tell you about my secret formula, an ingredient that will revamp, pardon the pun, the cosmetics business forever. (sigh) I feel as though I already know you. Before we leave I would like you to meet someone. Follow me.”

Elizabeth walked toward the great mirror in the dining room where a few of her narcissistic bats hung while gleaning themselves. “I would like you to meet my great-great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter.”

“Granddaughter?”

“The only great one. In the cellar I have a few not-so-great great-granddaughters.”

“Are you talking about the bats?” asked Mina.

“No, silly. Those are my cousins.”

The stately Elizabeth stood behind Mina, placed her carefully manicured claws on the young woman’s shoulders, turned Mina toward the mirror and said, “See? There you are, my child. So pretty.” Mina only saw herself in the reflection.

Her child? thought Mina.

“Grab a few coolers, Mina, and get in the car, dear. Oh! We have to GTF out of here right away!”

Mina put her two ice chests with frozen hearts, livers, and kidneys in the backseat of the Countess’ Challenger. She was feeling a little let down as she’d figured out that the cooler’s cosmetic ingredients would likely become poochie chow.

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