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Freddy Barnett's

And Then Things Got Weird….

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Rock n’ Roll

Aliens visit Jolly Olde England in 1963

 

11. Jukebox — From the book The Kingdom of the Cats…………….

“I wouldn’t call them crop circles,” said the Queen Mum to her butler, who waited patiently outside of her golden W.C. as she finished up her three hours of ‘morning business.’

“Blimey! I’d call them bloody indecent!” said the butler Peeves.

* * * *

Wiltshire County, Great Britain-1963

During Buddy and Ada’s Liverpool “spill” where the two aliens had lost most of their songs, the Brills hovered their ship The Lollipop above the village of Hangover, on the open farmland near Stonehenge, in the county of Wiltshire, on the Salisbury plane.

The night before they landed, Buddy was busy drawing giant shapes across the English countryside as though the wheat fields below were his personal Etch-A-Sketch.

Some of Buddy’s sketches were more than a quarter mile wide. He designed the patterns on the ship’s computer and then precision cut those images, using the latest laser beam technology.

In the early morning hours of June 28, 1963, Buddy was still “doodling” on the fields of Salisbury from more than one mile above the earth. At 1:30 a.m., after Ada finished yelling at Buddy for drawing stick-figure porn and humungous boobies on the fields below, the land went back to sleep.

* * * *

Jolly Lord Capersmith

At two a.m., a distinguished gap-toothed mustached old duffer, wearing a bowler hat, was on his way home from the Laughing Gravy Pub. He pulled his Bentley over to the side of the road that faced his family’s Ancestral Castle upon his vast Capersmithshireton Estate.

“Wot?” said Lord Joseph.

Something exciting was afoot in the fields below. His Lordship quickly grabbed his fine hand-tooled leather attaché case from motorcar’s passenger seat. Inside the case were his thermos, and a brand new brass fox hunting pistol. He removed his bowler hat and replaced it with a more appropriate deer stalker. Lord Joseph furtively tiptoed down the slope to investigate the strange lights illuminating the wheat fields below.

“By Jove! Naughty stick figures. I doooooo say. Delightful!”

In the field, on his property no less, also stood what looked like…

“Pip. Pip,” he said while twirling his handlebar mustache.

“It’s a bloody American Juke box (It was the Brill’s space ship, named the Lollipop). Rahthah! Jolly good show, old bean.”

Step — step — step.

“It must be the Princess’ idea of making merry,” his Lordship quipped. “A jest, I’m sure!”

“I’ll sit on this jolly old stump, pour myself a hot cup of tea, take aim at the doodad-thingamajig with my pistol, and give myself a bit of a respite! Simply smashing!”

Though the tipsy Lord Joseph fired and missed the Lollipop, loud shots woke up the ever-testy alien musician, Ada, who was thoroughly enjoying an erotic dream wherein Serbian physicist-inventor Nikola Tesla was demonstrating his hot new invention, the Personal Harmonic Resonance Vibration Oscillator.

Capersmith stopped shooting when an invisible hand pulled back the window shade on the ship. “Something” inside the space ship struggled and cursed while trying to open the window on the front of the giant juke box. Dried paint had glued the window sill shut. Before Lord Joseph could say, with a stiff upper lip, “Oh bugger,” the window shot upward, and….

“Tallyho, asshole!” said Ada while she implemented the magic of the jolly olde ACME Auto-Suc machine upon Lord Joseph Capersmith, and thus deposited Lord Joseph’s royal rump within the Good Ship Lollipop.

Repeated screams of “Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am?” echoed deep into Jolly Olde Sherwood forest.

Ada restored the tranquility of the spacecraft when she respectfully presented His Lordship with a formal printed invitation:

“A Night To Remember

Time: June 28,1963

Location: The Probing Pub of the Lollipop Space Craft

Black-tie required

Hors d’oeuvres and Cocktails at 8 p.m.

Dinner immediately following

Please RSVP”

As Lord Capersmith sipped a glass of champagne, Buddy approached from behind holding Farmer Joe’s jalapeño coated rototiller.

Tuck n’ Roll

Unknown
Man goes on Rampage in Hardware Store
Westchester, Los Angeles, December 12, 1964
 
Umberto Diaz had to be calmed by Rampart division officers yesterday , after he went on a rant about finding rat traps. Really big rat traps.
It seems that Mr. Diaz had just returned from Tijuana after getting his classic Chevy “Tuck-n-rolled” at Espinosa’s Upholstery where he had encountered giant rodents — “who talked.” It seems that Mickey Espinosa, who co-owns the auto upholstery shop with his wife Minnie had threatened Mr. Diaz after Mr. Diaz had accused the shop owners of stuffing his car upholstery with dead cats after his car began to smell a week ago — “I should have watched them.” The Espinosa’s told Mr. Diaz that , “There can not be dead cats inside your seats, Señor. We killed all of the cats in Tijuana years ago. They know that they are not welcome here.”
“Mr. Diaz was scaring our customers.” said Harry Meyer, the owner of Numero Uno Hardware on Temple Street. “He was screaming and tearing up our store looking for Human-sized rodent traps and scaring some of our local children. We had to call the police.”
“Minnie Espinosa, the woman at the desk, had a long nose and whiskers,” Mr. Diaz told police. “You could see the outline of her big round ears…

The Night of the Shining Domes

The Night of the Shining Domes

— is an an excerpt from the short story ‘Rock Invasion’ from the book The Kingdom of the Cats

a sorrento

Where does inspiration come from?

Here, it takes the long route.

Our main character in the story Rock Invasion, is Johnny Passion: A washed-up 1960s pop singer

Second, we have Therpsicore: The newly elected Goddess of modern music and Johnny’s biggest fan. Working on giving him a second chance. We’ll call her Cori, for short.

Then there are The Brills: Cori’s alien song writing partners who inhabit the planet Brill. 


 

It was the biggest, brightest full moon that the Earth had seen in over thirty years. The kind of moon that inspired love songs.

Eight tuxedo-clad ghosts solidified themselves and gathered, at midnight, in the empty baseball field of Dodger Stadium under remarkably clear skies. The Stadium was built in 1962. The Elysian Fields where it stood had been named by the Pantheon of Greek Gods in 5000 B.C. The local LA politicians, who would have named it for one of their rich cronies, had, thank the gods, nothing to do with the naming of the sacred space.

The ghostly group was a collection of the most talented of the deceased, bald show-biz legends. There was Bing Crosby, Fred Astaire, Bobby Darin, Roy Orbison, Hank Williams, Mel Torme, and Al Jolson. They walked the diamond in a slow orbit around their chosen leader, the chairman, the venerated spirit of Francis Albert Sinatra, who stood on the pitcher’s mound holding a ghost cigarette in one hand and his cocktail of choice — four ice cubes, two fingers of Jack Daniels, and a splash of water in the other. Frank was wearing his magic toupee. Other curious follically-challenged spirits began to drift in from the night to witness the rare and momentous occasion. Two dozen, daisy pushing, songwriters, and band leaders joined the festivities, as well as two accursed showbiz agents, from the Earth’s molten core; Max and Lenny Lipschitz — the twin Lex Luthors of Hollywood.

When they had been alive, each of these tuxedoed giants of music had sported one of Cori’s magic toupees. Cori’s charmed hairpieces, were woven from the fur of the her long haired cat, Mr. Snuffles. When they were alive the magic toupees had helped the stars boost their fragile egos so that they would keep performing.

The Domes held their charmed toupees against their chests as they tightened the circle around Frank. The tops of their shiny heads pointed toward the heavens.

The solemn ceremony had begun.

The pale rays of the silent moon multiplied themselves upon the ghost’s polished heads until the moonlight snowballed ten-thousand-fold. A vigorous single beam, more robust than any laser, ricocheted itself back to the dark heavens. The signal was sent.

They set their wigs back upon their heads.

The toupees were lifted and slapped down repeatedly , over and over again, upon the bare heads of ghosts in quick, efficient military precision. The flashing of domes was repeated thirty times. A coded message was being transmitted into the great beyond.

The Chrome Domes had sent their urgent message to star system LSMFT-456. Hundreds of light years away, on the distant planet Brill, the beam entered the studio window of Cori’s two writing partners, Ada and Buddy Brill. The signal from the Chrome Domes was a plea for action, reaching into deep space.

The Chosen One is ready.” The coded message said. “Please ask Cori to weave a special toupee for our new inductee, Johnny Passion.”

Johnny Passion, the washed up pop star, was about to be given a second chance at showbiz, thanks to his number one fan, the goddess Cori.

“Toupee or not toupee!” The ghosts chanted as they dematerialized back into the endless night.

The message from the Chrome Domes had been given top priority by the Brills, Buddy and Ada, who lived and worked on their tiny 24 Karat planet beyond the Milky Way. The Brills picked up their Buck Roger’s Walkie Talkie to relay the exciting message to Cori, who waited for the Chrome Dome’s approval back on Earth. Frank and the boys, giving Johnny the green light, would certainly lift the goddess’ spirits. Johnny Passion was Cori’s last hope for the renaissance of quality music.

Cori’s walkie talkie buzzed again and again, but there was no answer. The Goddess, protected by her gallant feline, Mr. Snuffles, was passed out, drunk, on the floor of her favorite watering hole, the Kailua Palace.

New Novella: Rock Invasion

Johnny Passion is a washed up pop star, who is lucky enough to be living under the wing of the muse, Therpsicore (Cori). Johnny’s immediate and sole ambition is to live, in peace, under piles of sweet smelling women’s undergarments.

In 1921, Cori was selected, unanimously by the Pantheon of Gods, to be the Goddess of Modern Music. A sacrosanct title. Along with her two alien minions, Buddy and Ada Brill, they’ve created and promoted much of the GOOD music that we Earthlings enjoy today. Together the trio will revive the tired music of the twenty-first century by dropping fresh musical ‘seeds’ and reinventing Johnny Passion’s musical career.

To accomplish their mission, they must defeat the mercurial Anthony Rubio, the God of Sleaze, along with his army of ponytailed middle-aged Hollywood sh*theels.

If you haven’t read The Kingdom of the Cats along with 20,000,000 other readers, in 3000 languages, on 25 continents, then Rock Invasion is a nice introduction:

Find it on Smashwords >>>>>https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/215627

 

Cover Rock Invasion

Introducing (tah dah) The Chrome Domes

The Night of the Chrome Domes from my short story book: The Kingdom of the Cats

It was the largest, brightest full moon that the Earth had seen in over ten years.

Seven tuxedo-clad phantoms had solidified their departed selves and gathered in the empty baseball field at Dodger Stadium. The Los Angeles stadium stood on sacred ground (only a few short miles from Tommy’s Original Hamburgers). The field had originally been named Elysian Fields, by the Pantheon of Gods.

The ghostly group of bald-pated show-biz legends: Bing, Astaire, Frank, Bobby Darin, Roy Orbison, Hank Williams, Mel Torme, even Al Jolson (whom nobody could stand), all stood in a solemn circle. The singers were joined by nearly a dozen other bald songwriters, band leaders, and agents.

When they had been alive, these giants of music all had sported one of Cori’s magic toupees. The charmed hairpieces, made from the fur of Cori’s cat, Joe, had helped them all to regain the confidence that they needed to keep performing when they were alive.

RetroRocketship

Their task had begun.

The light of the silent moon lit the bald heads. The pale rays multiplied themselves upon the surfaces of the men’s collective domes until the moon’s power snowballed ten-thousand-fold. A vigorous beam projected itself into the heavens. The initial signal was sent.

The toupees were lifted by the ghosts, and then dropped down upon their bare heads in efficient military precision, more exact then that of the Chinese who jump in unison to send tsunamis toward their enemies across the Pacific.

The flashing of domes was repeated thirty times. A coded message was being transmitted.

On the distant planet Brill, a great light entered the studio window. The code from the Earth below sent its urgent message to Buddy and Ada. The signal from the Chrome Domes was a plea for help, reaching into deep space.

The Chosen One is ready.” The coded message said. “Please bring some new tunes and a magic toupee for Johnny Passion.”

The Earth is in danger of imploding due to bad music. Also, bring some celestial smokes, if you can. And a dozen Plutonian tacos.”

Toupee or not toupee?” The message from the bearers of the Magic Toupees was given top priority by the Brills, who in a rare move initiated a call to their boss.

“Buddy! She’s not answering!”

Books on Amazon by Fred Barnett (Bats and Shark Fin Soup coming soon!)

 #1,2,&3 are available in ebook and paperback on Amazon! Bats should be out in October 2014, Shark Fin Soup in 2015!

 Nantucket is a wee bit of smut available on Smashwords for 49 cents!

 Cover Bloody Good 2013 Cover : Second Chances Cover Rock Invasion Cover Shark Fin   Cover- Man From NantucketBATS

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