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And Then Things Got Weird….

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Prey-Lewd (Introduction of ^^ö^^ Bats)

BATS-FINAL LG>Prey-Lewd
(Enemy Territory)
Čachtice, Slovakia (Formerly Hungary)

 

Inside his melon-sized head, the bus driver heard the menacing voice of Boris Karloff: “Even your bus is dead, Kimo.”

Please! Anywhere but here. Not in front of creepy Čachtice Castle, thought the Type A Tours driver with the name tag: ‘Aloha, My name is Big Kimo.’

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Kimo announced, “we may be here awhile, so you can get out of the bus, walk around a little and stretch if you like.”

Bats and huge fanged moths — the kind that would happily eat your shorts—with you in them — were attracted to the lights within the bus and began pounding themselves against the windows. Anyone who was about to ‘go outside and stretch’ quickly gave up on the foolish idea.

“Look, driver!” Someone stood and pointed out of the right side of the bus. Big Kimo couldn’t see anything, at first.

“It’s a lady!” said a British woman in back.

Oh, boy…and she has dogs!” said her son. Four shadows trotted from the parked Bats Mobile and took their places behind the Countess. They held baskets in their mouths.

Sure enough, a tall beautiful woman was approaching the bus from the car. She was bathed in moonlight. She wore a bouffant hairdo and a checkered blue homemakers dress straight out of the 1950s. The lovely redhead waved at Kimo through the closed door. She held up a pitcher of an ice-cold beverage and a stack of Dixie Cups. He relaxed.

“Oh goody, goody!” a child in the front seat squealed. “The nice lady brought us Kool-Aid!”

What the tourists thought was rain, started to hit the windows. The drops were plague tears. The sound of the wind was a sickening wheeze.

“Let her in, driver! The poor woman’s blouse is soaked,” a woman from Ireland called out. All of the men were suddenly interested. “It must be the lady of the house,” she said.

I hope it isn’t the lady of the house, thought Kimo. The Bloody Countess, Elizabeth Bathory once lived here. That was centuries ago. Still, it is Čachtice!

The canines stood guard in shadows behind their mistress. Kimo opened the glass door—Oh, what the hell—with a hiss. “The dogs will have to stay outside.” The tall beauty, a very well-put-together June Cleaverhe thought, stepped up into the bus taking a wide stance in front in of the passengers. The “nice lady,” wet, was a great deal “nicer” than most had expected. She captured everyone’s complete attention despite their age, sex, race, nationality, or even in the case of Mrs. Bernstein in the back, species.

“Hello, you nice people. I’m Mrs. June Cleaver!” Elizabeth Bathory, The Bloody Countess lied.

Kimo was taken back. Cleaver? Why don’t I like that name?

Her audience was riveted on the icy pitcher of swirling sky blue liquid that she displayed.

“I brought you some refreshments while you are waiting to be rescued,” said the beguiling housewife. “I’ve got dozens of our best local Batina’s cookies and something to quench your thirst. Here! Pass them back. Thank you. If it’s all right with Big Kimo, maybe I could teach you nice folks a little bit about our local cuisine.”

The tired driver nodded, stared out the bus window into the falling tears of regret and moaning thunder, and decided that he didn’t like the size of those dogs. They were very well behaved and they were all wearing white kerchiefs. No, those are bibs! Cleaver. Cleaver. The name still made him nervous.

“We’re proud of our Fritz Haarmann cutlery,” said the perky housewife. “Mr. Haarmann was originally a meat salesman from Germany, but now he makes and tests his fine cutlery products right here in Transylvania.” She smiled at the man sitting in front of her. “Are you from Germany? Then you would certainly appreciate the craftsmanship. I mean, just look at this beautiful cleeeeeeeeaver!” The big bald German didn’t understand one word. While he smiled up at the outline of her ‘chilled’ nipples above, she stared down at the reflection of the blade on his shiny head. She raised her cleaver, “Just feel this edge!”

Soon, Mrs. Cleaver/Elizabeth was doing the backstroke up and down the blood-filled center aisle of the bus as her good doggies dragged piles of tourist vittles into the Countess’ sob-flooded front yard.

The Countess Elizabeth’s housekeeper, Penelope, disposed of the bus with an explosion fueled by bat guano.

All of this took five minutes.

The flapping bats applauded.

Elizabeth, curtsied, leapt into her muscle car, and floored the gas pedal five-hundred miles to Poenari.

 

goreybat.jpg

Bats ^^ö^^ The Witch Meets the Bikers

BATS-FINAL LG>

Find the book BATS at: https://www.amazon.com/Bats-Fred-Barnett-ebook/dp/B00T2XBVYU/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

“Who are you and what do you know about Infinity Upton-Downes?” thundered Tor, the largest of the motorcycle club known as the Hell’s Angles (Architects on vacation). “How would you know that Infinity Upton-Downes ain’t home? Her Witchipedia biography says that she lives in Transylvania year-round. I know everything about her…’cept what she looks like. I imagine that she’s pretty hot after readin’ her novels.”

“Oh. Howwwww do I know she isn’t home, snowflake? ’Cause you’re talkin’ to her, ya big ugly bastard! What happened to your eye?”

“Huh?”

“Your eye! Are ya deaf too? Bend down and let me take a look you got something…right there!” She poked it. “Nyuk, nyuk.”

“Ow! Old bat!”

“You’re fine, petal. Look through this telescope. See!” The telescope left a big black greasy circle around Tor’s poked eye. “So, you don’t believe that I am the famous Infinity? Have you read Tragic Lust #34? Of course you haven’t! I just finished writing it. It’s a romantic called Go-Go West, Young Man.”

Lupta, who used Infinity Upton Downes as her pen name, waved her cane and began to recite:

“Ahem… Time. Stood. Still. Broken by an intensifying vibration, Thunder Thigh’s glistening bronze body began to quake. Handsome Jack’s mighty maracas nearly shook loose. The Paiute guide howled when she clamped down and crushed the stunned studly Spillwell’s notorious hardened spike… The wagon master’s dying wail triggered the legendary Montana avalanche known by all school-age children today as ‘Fuckin’ awesome!’”

Tor turned to his leader, Chester. “Holy Swiss cheese, Chester!”

“Holy…It’s really her!” said Brutehilda, Chester’s monstrous spouse.

Fuckin’ illiterates, thought Lupta.

“Yup. That’s Infinity,” said a Viking-helmeted man in a business suit, named Lutefisk.

Willowy Mina shook her head. She still couldn’t believe that her own aunty, Lupta Axe, was the famous author of the disturbing books that she had been hiding beneath her mattress with her deluxe Willie Wanker Bar.

Seven-foot Tor bent down and kissed Lupta’s black heavy heeled shoes and began to bawl like a baby.

“Enough, my Swedish meatball. You kids won’t find the god-blessed Countess and Prince Vlad at home neither!”

“Of course they’re not home,” said Brutehilda. “Vlad the Impaler and Bathory the Bloody Countess died hundreds of years ago.”

Lupta pointed her crooked cane at Elizabeth’s rumbling Challenger. “Do you see the hottie behind the wheel with red pinstripes in her hair and glowing boobs next to the guy with the funny mustache smoking god-knows-what-unfortunate-creature in his pipe while wiping the unicorn shit off of his shoe? Well, that’s them sitting in the car, turd loaf. You’re looking at the genuine Prince Vlad the Impaler Dracula Tepes,” (From behind the windshield, Vlad smiled and mimed “Hi!” as he lifted his Meerschaum pipe and eyebrows.) “and the Bloody Countess Elizabeth ‘Hot Wheels’ Bathory, the real deal.”  — Elizabeth grinned like a bear trap while flashing her glowing red-hot nipples …. . .-.. .-.. —, which in Morse code translated to “Hello.” They even beeped.

In Enemy Territory – BATS ^^Ö^^ — Chapter 1

In Enemy Territory

Čachtice, Slovakia (Formerly Hungary)

pagebreak

BATS ^^Ö^^ — OPENING CHAPTER — In Enemy Territory

Čachtice, Slovakia (Formerly Hungary)

Inside his melon-sized head, the tour bus driver could hear the voice of Boris Karloff:

“Even your bus is dead, Kimo.”

Please! Anywhere but here. Not in front of creepy Čachtice Castle, thought the ‘Type-A-Tours’ the driver with the name tag: ‘Aloha, My name is Kimo.’

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he announced. “We may be here awhile, so you can get out of the bus, walk around a little and stretch if you like.”

Bats and huge fanged moths — the kind that would happily eat your shorts—with you in them — were attracted to the lights within the bus and began pounding themselves against the windows. Anyone who was about to ‘go outside and stretch’ quickly gave up on the foolish idea.

“Look, driver!” Someone stood and pointed out of the right side of the bus. Kimo couldn’t see anything, at first.

“It’s a lady!” said a British woman in back.

Oh, boy…and she has dogs!” said her son. Four shadows trotted from the parked Bats Mobile and took their places behind the Countess. They held baskets in their mouths.

Sure enough, a tall beautiful woman was approaching the bus from the car. She was bathed in moonlight. She wore a bouffant hairdo and a checkered blue homemakers dress straight out of the 1950s. The lovely redhead waved at the unnerved Kimo through the closed door. She held up a pitcher of an ice-cold beverage and a stack of Dixie Cups. He relaxed.

“Oh goody, goody!” a child in the front seat squealed. “The nice lady brought us Kool-Aid!”

What the tourists thought was rain, started to hit the windows. The drops were plague tears. The sound of the wind was a sickening wheeze.

“Let her in, driver! Her clothes are getting soaked” a man from Ireland called out. Soaked? All of the men were suddenly interested. “It must be the lady of the house.”

I hope it isn’t the lady of the house, thought Kimo. The Bloody Countess, Elizabeth Bathory once lived here. That was centuries ago. Still, it is Čachtice!

The canines stood guard in shadows behind their mistress. Kimo opened the glass door—Oh, what the hell—with a hiss. “The dogs will have to stay outside.” The tall beauty, a very well-put-together June Cleaverhe thought, stepped up into the bus taking a wide stance in front in of the passengers. The “nice lady,” wet, was a great deal “nicer” than most had expected. She captured everyone’s complete attention despite their age, sex, race, nationality, or even in the case of Mrs. Bernstein in the back, species.

“Hi, everyone! I’m June Cleaver!” Elizabeth Bathory, The Bloody Countess lied.

Kimo was taken back. June Cleaver?  Cleaver….

Her audience was riveted on the icy pitcher of sky blue liquid that she displayed.

“I brought you some refreshments while you are waiting to be rescued,” said the beguiling housewife. “I’ve got dozens of our best local Batina’s cookies and something to quench your thirst. Here! Pass them back. Thank you. If it’s all right with Mr. Kimo, maybe I could teach you nice folks a little bit about our local cuisine.”

The tired driver nodded, stared out the bus window into the tears and moaning thunder, and decided that he didn’t like the size of those dogs. They were very well behaved and they were all wearing white kerchiefs. No, those are bibs! June Cleaver…June Cleaver. The name was making him nervous.

“We’re proud of our Fritz Haarmann cutlery,” said June. “Mr. Haarmann was originally a meat salesman, but he now manufactures his fine cutlery products in Transylvania.” She smiled at the man sitting in front of her. “Are you from Germany? Then you would certainly appreciate the craftsmanship on these knives. I mean, just look at this beautiful cleeeeeeeeaver!” The big bald German didn’t understand one word. He smiled up at her chilled boobs. She stared at the reflection of the blade on his shiny head as she raised her arm. “Just feel this edge!”

Soon, Mrs. Cleaver/Elizabeth was doing the backstroke up and down the blood-filled center aisle of the bus as her good doggies dragged piles of tourist parts into the Countess’ tear-flooded front yard. Elizabeth’s housekeeper, Penelope, disposed of the bus with an explosion fueled by bat guano.

Elizabeth’s family, leaning against her shiny Bats Mobile, applauded. All of this took five minutes.

*****

After clean-up, the Countess Elizabeth Bathory emerged from Čachtice’ main gate and walked toward her loving family, ready for action.

“How’s it hangin’ troops?” she asked.

“From the rafters, baby!” said Elizabeth’s slobbering main squeeze, Vlad, who was busy aurally undressing her with a combination of suggestive squeaks and smutty echolocational chirps.

“Get a tomb, you two!” said her embarrassed daughter, the willowy Mina.

Bats ^^Ö^^ The Dinner Hall Scene

“No one tells my Gibor children what to do, Gretel Van Helsing!”roared the twenty-foot tall Saturn who had burst through the door and took a place in front of Vlad’s crew. He squatted and opened his arms to the stupid trusting Gibors. “Come to Daddy, kids!”

“This doesn’t look good, brother!”said Gretel. “We should make like lightning, and bolt!”

Always obedient, the repulsive Gibors ran into the arms of their daddy, who had created their miserable but delectable race long ago in ancient Mesopotamia. Daddy Saturn began to bite their heads off in quick succession. The entire room, already sick to their stomachs, was startled to see a continuous splattering loop of Francisco Goya’s Saturn Eating His Son. Drooling, the giant smiled with his mouth full, burped and asked, “Who’s got the Sriracha?”― from “Bats”

^^Ö^^

https://read.amazon.com/kp/kshare?asin=B00T2XBVYU&id=Uu0mDM37T0ytYenmK4-pdg&reshareId=1V1PQ9PGQSKVH69GKF7J&reshareChannel=system

Black Friday ^^ö^^ from Bats

“Who is it?” said the new commander König Buckel (King Hump). “Is it the Van Helsing boys?”

“It’s me, Kapitän Flitzer (Streaker)!”

“Hurry! Come in,” said König Buckel.

“Ja, boss! I think that an army is coming through the forest.”

“Are you sure? Take a ladder, look over the parapet, and…”

“Is my hair okay?”

“Oh, for god’s sake, Flitzer, you are not all that. Put on some pants. The gold ones are nice.”

When Kapitän Flitzer carefully looked over the top of the castle wall. In the moonlit forest and across the moat below, he saw a sea of ten thousand women. Lupta Axe’s new army of fans had surrounded the castle. The Black Friday shoppers had built a bridge; a human bridge fashioned from the bodies of sacrificed shoppers to reach across the moat to the drawbridge. The women who had the free samples of Outa-My-Way-Asshole! brand coffee were already tearing at the drawbridge with sharpened fingernails. Others beat at the twenty-foot wooden barrier with heavy handbags and stiletto heels.

“Commander!” Flitzer called down. “You have to see this!”

A woman’s voice called up to the frightened soldier, “Open up, Flitzer. It’s me. Your Aunt Stella! Open up! It’s midnight!”

“That is correct, ma’am,” said König Buckel, who had joined Flitzer at the top of the wall. “I am the commandant and it is midnight. So what? You should be home with your husband!”

There was a sudden calming in the fields below Poenari’s high walls. The moonlit crowd parted like the Red Sea. A woman built like a tractor approached the drawbridge swinging a purse loaded with a dozen heavy, greasy beignets. She stared up at König and ground her strong jaw.

“Go away, whoever you are!” said König Buckel. “The park is closed until tomorrow at 10 a.m.!”

“I am Pauline! Open the drawbridge or I’ll soon be using your skinny neck for butt floss.”

There was more banging. More determined women’s voices.

“Open up!”

“Sale!” another screamed.

Flitzer watched their torches in their left hands pierce the darkness as they chanted, “Sale! Sale! Sale! Sale!” Purses in their right hands swung like spiked medieval flails. Pauline stood at the head of the crowd and spat acidic venom that began to burn a hole in the wooden barrier.

“What are you people? Go home!”

“We are here to spend money! It is Black Friday. We are here for shoes, clothes, and free stuff. You are the worms who will die if you get in our way!”

“Quick, Flurry Schamhaar (Flurry Pubes),” said König, “I want all of the Meine Runt-Pferde suitcases brought out here into the courtyard. All of them. I want them unpacked and the clothes folded neatly on the tables. Now!” König Buckel called out to the women at the moat, “Give us another minute!”

“All of our clothes, sir?” asked Flurry Schamhaar.

“Yes!” said König. “We all overpacked for this trip. Hurry!”

The women outside began to chant “Now! Now! Now!” Inside the courtyard the heavy wooden beams of the drawbridge began to splinter.

König Buckel climbed back below.

“Sir!” said Flatternscheuen (Poser). “Things are about to get ugly! And 50% off!” He handed his commander König Buckel a flyer he’d picked up off the ground.

“Damn! Black Friday Sale!” said the commander.

Flatternscheuen turned the flyer over and read the back, “‘For the first two thousand of my loyal fans who storm Poenari Castle at midnight, all clothes modeled by the Meine Runt-Pferde will be 50% off!”

“Wait,” König said to Flatternscheuen. “That witch is talking about giving away our clothes, sweetie.” Flatternscheuen continued reading aloud, “Stick around for a free Chanel gift certificate, and there will also be dozens of available men.”

Oh, really? thought König Buckel.

“…and lots of designer shoes. PLUS, I will send a copy of my new book—FREE!—to everyone who mails me back their flyer. Signed Infinity Upton-Downes.”

The commander glanced at the witch’s flyer. “Infinity Upton-Downes! I love her books!” König Buckel dropped his weapon belt, grabbed his Chanel bag and turned to his weary soldiers. “Men! I’ve only heard of them in legend. These women of Black Friday, if they are who I think they are, are unstoppable. So it’s goodbye, my comrades. Auf Wiedersehen! So long my little Frechen Säugen (Perky Suckle), my brave Mond Mich (Moon Me), my handsome-but-straight Brust Gucker (Breast Gazer), and the rest of you sweeties! It was an honor to serve with—”

CRACK!!! The drawbridge shattered. The women stormed the courtyard with fire in their eyes trampling over each other to get to the tables first. Others attacked the König Buckel’s troops. “Flunker-wagger! Flunker-wagger!” the women were chanting.

“EEEEEEEyahhhhhhh!”

Pauline, who led the charge dressed in a badass polka dot dress and matching hat, met the commander eye to eye at the bottom of the staircase. She pushed him against the stone wall then swatted the commander with her wide brimmed hat. “Give me your boots,” she said to König Buckel, who was shaking in his pair of Nudie Saddle Ups.

“I-I-I…these were a special gift. No! Besides, you look like you wear a size eleven and these are nines.” Pauline started to twirl her beignet purse slowly. “No! They’re from Nordstoms, you beast,” he said. As König Buckel slowly backed up the spiral stone staircase, she matched his every move. He lashed out with his handbag and missed.

“What do you want for those boots?” she asked as she swung at his head. König ducked, saving his skull from being cracked like an egg.

“They were a birthday present from Heinrich Van Helsing! I’ll never find these again. Nudie stopped producing this line in 1995.”

“Heinrich Van Helsing? Are we talking about the same football player Van Helsing?”

“Please!” König screamed. “Heinrich! Heinrich!” Oh Lord! Where is my Heiny???

“It takes a child to Raze a village”

Ten-year-old orphaned Viking Gunnar Eriksson

“It takes a child to Raze a village”

Oh …
Let’s go a-pillaging
a village-ing, a-pillaging,
with Odin a-thundering
our horde goes a-plundering,
a-sundering each underling,
A-pillaging we’ll go!

Pull My Finger! (Another excerpt from Bats by Fred Barnett)

BATS

Excerpt from “Bats” by Fred Barnett (Coming soon!)

“Pull my finger!” 

“One of the oldest, and most effective gags in the world.” ★★★★★ Slime Magazine 

Featured in Auntie Lupta’s Grab Bag of Gags for Hags

and her Big Book of Cogent Curses for Crones

_______________

Time: Modern Day

Candy, the Dominance Pizza delivery person is driving the Bats Mobile full of Transylvanians (vampies, a witch, wolves, and bats) east, toward Čachtice Castle, to rescue the Bloody Countess Elizabeth from the even more evil Van Helsing Twins (Hansel and Gretel). Once she is free, Elizabeth (the only ‘person’ besides Candy who is allowed to drive) must take the entourage, plus her zombie housekeeper, Penelope (looking forward to a “hot” date), west, to save Vlad’s embattled home at Poenari. Candy joins Question Mark (“?”) and the bikers who follow…

_______________ 

Čachtice Castle: The Magic Tower

Gretel Van Helsing was bending down near the Countesses hand. “Her ring doesn’t fit, brother! It’s loose!”  

“Just take it then!” said Hansel.

Elizabeth’s mind was still sharp. A devious message — a trick, from the witch Lupta Axe snuck in to her brain. She must be nearby! Thank you, Auntie! Thought Elizabeth. 

Though her stomach ached from the Naga–Chili-Stuffed dinner earlier, Elizabeth managed to bare her fangs and challenge the twins.“If you think that you can take my father’s ring, I’d like to see you try!”

Meanwhile below…

The Bat’s Mobile, Elizabeth’s 1970 Sapphire Hemi Dodge Challenger, pulled into the driveway of Elizabeth’s Čachtice Castle. The car’s inhabitants had already sung Ninety-nine Bottles of Beer five times, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt four times and were now into the second verse of the maritime classic “Barnacle Balls the Sailor.” 

‘What if you should get the chair? What if you should get the chair?

What if you should get the chair? Said the fair Young Maiden…’

“All together now!” said Candy, the pizza delivery driver at the wheel.

“I’ll lay a fart and blow it apart!” said Barnacle Balls the Sailorrrr….”

Everyone was singing. Hubba, the wolf, and his mate Hubba Hubba howled along cheerfully, alerting the imprisoned Countess in her tower above. Both wolves suddenly stopped singing. They sensed dread, apocalypse in the air. Their naughty sea shanty changed to doleful wails.

Meanwhile, upstairs …

Elizabeth’s ears perked up. They’re down stairs! Outside! Good doggies!

“Pull it!” said Gretel.

“What?” Hansel looked worried. Uneasy.

“I said, pull her finger! If you won’t, I …will!”

Hansel pulled. Elizabeth threw her head back in a howl of laughter.

“What’s so funny, fiend?” asked Gretel. “We’re going to take everything that you love away from you. Pull harder, brother!

The walls began to tremble and moan. 

Elizabeth was on the cusp of a great release, her evil grin nearly orgasmic, as the dust from the walls shook loose.

“She’s fooled us!” said Hansel. “It’s the old ‘Pull My Finger’ trick …I should have …Duck!”

Amidst the roar, the walls made from hardened unicorn shit evaporated. The canopy of stars twisted as if empathizing with the stricken Countess. Newborn galaxies spun away from the chaos.

Hideo, the vulture, swept down and snatched the Van Helsing twins from the sky as they were blown hundreds of feet above the castle.

The Countess Elizabeth remained on the bare stone floor of the tower which now had no walls. Her nightgown was torn to ribbons. Her furniture and the marble chair were simply gone.

“Jesus! Who cut the cheese?!” said Mina, who was the first to appear at what used to be a doorway. She had literally flown up the stairs to the tower. 

Vlad, landed right behind Mina, began to salivate at the sight of the shredded nightgown, and made the mistake of inhaling before he spoke, “Are you okay, Darl …? Unholy fuhhhque!” His mustache wilted.

Young Jonathan, who had heroically slithered up to the top of the tower to help, nearly lost his footing when he was pelted with hundreds of dead birds. He managed to slither back down to safety.

“Don’t!” The embarrassed Elizabeth raised her hand up in warning as she tried to catch her wind…I mean breath. “Don’t come in! I’m …I’m fine! I’ll get dressed and be right down.” 

________________

Midnight

The Countess Elizabeth Bathory emerged from the main gate, showered and ready for action.

Transformed into a blithering blob of blood jello, Vlad said, “Mlop!” This happened whenever Elizabeth put on her “standard” combat attire: a black backless fishnet halter, tight red cigarette pants, lethal stiletto heels and a very short midnight blue skirt (with a wide array of handy pockets designed to hold zip ties, duct tape, and paper clips). Her red streaked hair was tied in a long braid (I know that you are interested). Vlad had to avert his eyes to restrain his untamed limbă.

 

 The Journey Back to Poenari

Jonathan poured the remaining jugs of Gibor juice (blood and fixins) into the Bats Mobile’s tank. When he was done, he slid into the middle of the front seat next to the Countess, the only one who could drive. Vlad always took “shotgun.” The two bats Cherubino and Angioletto hung from the bars supporting the convertible top. The wolves, Hubba and Hubba Hubba, sat in the back seat with Lupta Axe.The willowy Mina sat in the middle of the back seat, as she might blow out of the car with sudden gust of wind or a …uh, never mind

Elizabeth’s gloomy zombie housekeeper, Penelope, was humming “John Brown’s Body” as she, herself was a-mouldering in the car’s trunk. 

  The smell of sulphur still lingered in the air outside. The trees around Čachtice Castle continued to burn as Elizabeth and her passengers drove away.

Candy had joined “?” (The hunchback Question Mark) on his Segway and along with Vlad’s new army, the recently “bat indoctrinated” Hell’s Angles Architect and Motorcycle club, they would follow the Countess’ Bats Mobile five hundred miles back toward Poenari.

In the car, Jonathan clicked on the radio. Elizabeth’s daddy’s record “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” was playing. Every time the lyrics “Gas, gas, gas,” came on, the group in the back seat would sing and howl along.

“Cut that out you kids! Or do I have to stop the car!’ Elizabeth yelled.

“Sorry, Countess,” said Mina. “Are you mad?”

“Fuuuuuming!” said Vlad. (He couldn’t resist.)

“That’s it!” Elizabeth pulled the Challenger over to the side of the road. “One more fart joke and I’m gonna get out of the car, break an old harpy’s head, dig a fuckin’ hole, and …and …then I’ll …I’ll…”

“You’ll call me up at dinner time and ask me if I can complete a five minute survey?” yelled Lupta.

“Devious idea, I must admit. Is that what you’d really like me to do, auntie?”

“No.” said Lupta, sheepishly.

“ Then watch it, buster!” yelled the Countess. 

“Lighten up, Elizabeth,” said Vlad. “We’re just breakin’ your balls. C’mon let’s go.”

Countess Elizabeth emotionally overwrought, buried her face in her hands and began to bawl.”

Vlad turned his head toward the back seat. “Do you see what you’ve done to Liz?”

“Liz?” asked Lupta. “Who’s the heaven is Liz?”

This the heaven is Liz! Do you see what you’ve all done to my little Elizabeth?”

Elizabeth shot Vlad a venomous glance.”Little, huh? I could kick yourrrrrr leathery ass.”

“Listen, dearie.” Lupta Axe said to Elizabeth.”How about a snack? Some leftover Caliente Casserole?”

Elizabeth steered the car back onto the pavement.

Vlad turned around. “Lupta, let’s change the subject. Hey! Let’s sing some folk songs!” 

Jonathan, who had begun napping, suddenly looked back toward Mina. “Pass over the guitar, Mina.”

Lupta shouted out, “Jonny, do you know ‘Blowin’ in the Wind?’”

The car jerked to a halt. “Motherfucker! That’s it! I’m gonna destroy that desiccated stick of jerky!” screamed Elizabeth. 

“What’s desiccated,” asked Lupta?

“I’ll show you desiccated!” Two bolts of lightning shot from the Countess’ black pupils, bounced off the rear view mirror, and set Lupta’s dry hay stack of hair on fire. 

Lepta only cackled. 

 

From the Land of the Pharoahs

“Whoa!” shouted Vlad. 

“Watch out!” shouted Jonathan. 

While the Countess raged, the car had narrowly side-swiped a Mummy enjoying a foot-dragging stroll near Astray Trail. 

“Asshole”!!! (Fuckers!!!), said the enraged Kharis. Startled, he had dropped his chalis of tanna leaf tea. “Young Punks” (Young Punks!) He cursed and pointed his amulet at the car as it passed. Disgusted, the mummy tried to resume the slow easy peace of his evening shuffle. Kharis loved his midnight walks which usually culminated in vengeance upon British scientists and the throat of the reincarnated Princess Ananka, the woman who dared to reject him.

Hubba the wolf howled toward the moon above. “We saw a mummy, and we have had 500 miles of open window!”

 

God’s “Monkey Wrench”

At 1 a.m. Sinatra’s “Summer Wind” began to play on the car radio, to the Countesses obvious displeasure.”Change the station! Now!”

      Elizabeth had had enough guano for one night. Her rage was suddenly broken when above the loud music, a loud knocking came from the rear of the car.

“What in blessed Heaven? Said the dozing Jonathan.

“Flat tire?” said Lupta. 

“Oh, no. Not now!” said Mina.

“That’s your housekeeper, Penelope,” said Vlad. “She might be lonely, stuffed back there. Maybe she’s hungry. You better pull over. Zombies are ‘God’s monkey wrenches’ to be thrown into the machinery when things seem to be running smoothly. Full of surprises”

Lupta blurted out, “Like a whoopie cushion?”

Frankie Lane music blasted from the radio. Luckily, Elizabeth didn’t hear Lupta’s comment as she steered onto the shoulder.

Jonathan grabbed the keys, jumped out and stood back as he flipped open the trunk. Elizabeth reached for her pistol from beneath the front seat and got out. The rest followed. The light from the trunk shone on Mina as she stood guard with a hammer, a machete and a wooden stake “in case there was any funny business” with the zombie.

“Sonofabitch!” said Jonathan. “Elizabeth! A gun? I thought the miserable woman was dead.” 

“She is, kiddo.” said Elizabeth, firing three shots into Penelope’s wormy cadaver.

“Well, you just killed her again!” said Lupta.

Elizabeth took a breath, relaxed her shoulders, lifted the pistol again. “It’s only murder if she stays dead!”

Jonathan grabbed her wrist. “Stop! Don’t shoot the face! She’s got a big date with Huthbert.”

“Let her rest in peace. She’s dead enough,” said Vlad. “Do you feel better now? We need to get back before sunup.”

Willowy Mina gently removed the gun from Elizabeth’s hand — took aim, and continued to empty two more rounds into the dismal rotting thing named Penelope. “Borrrring.” She handed the gun back to the Countess. “Zombies are like inflatable punching clowns.” 

Vlad sympathetically placed his filthy razor-sharp claws on Elizabeth’s shoulder as she walked around to the driver’s side. “Would you like me to …drive?”

Without answering, the Countess pocketed the gun, climbed back into the Challenger and paused to take another breath before turning the ignition key. “I’ll be okay! Besides, none of you ‘fine nobility’ know how to f’n drive!” Elizabeth said with a snark. “Just be quiet. All of you.” She pulled the Challenger back onto the pavement. “Let’s get out of here.” 

“Well, then,” said Lupta. “You’d better step on the…..”

“Don’t say it!” While hurtling down Route 13 at ninety-miles-per-hour, Elizabeth took the gun out of her pocket and pointed it back toward Lupta. “Not ONE word.” The little witch held her crooked hands up in mock defense.

  This time, Vlad turned his head around 180 degrees, turned crimson and roared within a torrent of bile,“You DO NOT want Elizabeth to stop the car … again, and have ME come back there! I PROMISE that BOTH of you WILL NOT be able to sit for a week …What’s that?” 

Out of the trunk they heard a tortured moan. 

“Oh, no,” said Mina.

“Moses fucking H. Christ! What does that dust magnet want NOW?!?” hissed the exasperated Countess. 

Another Loud bang and “Wwharrrrrrrr Uuuuuumnk!” came out the trunk. (Zombish translation: “Are we almost there? I have to go pottyyyyy.”)

“I dunno. Zombies are kinda cool.” Jonathan said. “They just don’t give a dusty fart about anything. Oops, sorry, Ma’am.”

Elizabeth gave him a look that could kill.

“Too late!” he winked back at her.

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