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Freddy Barnett's

And Then Things Got Weird….

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Beach

The Thriller Driller

ManSurfing

Sylvia Benedict was discovered crying inside of the Sea Lion Beach Geezer World Van by local lifeguard, Brad Stokely, as he was headed home. “I found the woman sitting inside the van, crying over Mr. Noway Sr. The motor was still running. The van’s motor, not the old fart’s. Noway had suffered a heart attack.”

Way.

Sylvia , the spouse of beloved Bolsa Chico Surf Patrol Chief, Bernie Benedict, confessed to the ambulance staff concerning the death of her eighty-eight-year-old lover:

“We’d just had a friendly dinner, celebrating Wayne’s new Thriller Driller Penile Implant. He suggested that we to go out and replace all of the steel fasteners on the Long Beach bridge with his new… Oh, poopsieeeeeeeee!” (Crying.) “Wayne seemed fine! He really did. Then, after his little nap time, he wouldn’t respond.”

“That’s quite enough, Mrs. Benedict,” said the nauseous  ambulance driver.

The truth was el vomitosio. Somehow, the video of her story ended up on the local news.

Wayne Noway III’s (the grandkid) surfer buddies said that the sixteen-year-old surfer had been “blowing major chunkage,” “praying to the porcelain” and “hurling with a mighty chunder” after reading about what his grandpa and his ex-teacher had been doing. Los barfos, mesdames e messieurs.

#

My Sylvia! Bernie thought. And…and Wayne’s grandpa?! Noooooooooo!

He had to get out and get some fresh air, now.

#

After the broadcast, it seemed that the entire town of Bolsa Chico wanted to line the pier and join local hero  Bernie, in his major heave fest. It was if they’d all been hit with the dreaded Nosoi flu.

For days afterward, Bernie felt as though he were wearing a big red ‘D’—for Dumbass — on his forehead. Time had come for him to leave his longtime friends, his beloved job and his hometown of Balsa Chico.

####

Donette’s

Donette’s Cafe, formerly Rosie’s, was built upon the end of the Bolsa Chico Pier, in Orange County, California, in 1956. Recently, it had been purchased by a dark, sultry, dirty-talking  shark goddess, Dauna Robinson, who bought the cafe to promote her native Fijian coffee products: the high-octane Getthefuckouttamyway and Outtamywayasshole coffees, grown on her private  island of Kupaio. Dauna was the one and only waitress at Donette’s.

Bernie rarely drank the coffee, but loved the food. It was the following Sunday, Bernie’s birthday, when he ordered his final breakfast at Donette’s.

The TV was on and…

“Oh, Fuck! No! Not……. on…….. my………goddamned birthday!” Bernie said. The other customers were wondering if the patrolman had caught Tourette’s from Dauna.

Nope. The news was on CNN — and Bernie was pissed. His tragic ‘train wreck’ had gone both bacterial and viral. Millions, perhaps gazillions, were following Bernie’s sad story.

The Tale of Jonah (for Shark Week).

Cover Bloody Good 2013Jonah “The Prophet” (when he was still operating as a non-prophet)

Swallowed By “Great Fish”

 

JOPPA, Mediterranean Sea

Monday, Fifth Century A.D.

…..They continued to pray, and finally, after ten more lovely coeds drowned, God stopped the storm. They then threw Jonah, the  party pooper, overboard.

Jonah immediately fell into the open jaws of the “fish.”

Miraculously, after tree soggy days and three glorious smelly nights in the great fish’s belly, the prophet was spat out alive (and whole), which may have been due either to Jonah’s legendary lack of personal hygiene or near-constant flatulence.

The predator was first assumed to be a cetacean (i.e. a whale, a mammal). It was most likely a shark… and a shark of that size was probably a White Pointer (i.e. Great White).

Sharks can turn their stomachs inside out (yeech). expelling foreign objects, such as prophets, whole!

(This story reached our city desk at 8:30 P.M., 467 A.D., just a few centuries after the event.)

Though the “oral” tradition of storytelling is a vast improvement over the “anal” tradition of story telling (Speaking out of one’s ass), some minor details may have been altered over the years.

“We do know that most of this tale is true, though the facts may not be ‘written in stone,’” said our editor Mr. Hezekiah.

On the next episode of Shark Fin Soup…

Bloody Hand Print Dark

>>>>> The cop was distracted by the sound of purring on the quiet pier as he approached the Cafe. He pulled a small revolver from the pocket of his windbreaker. The source of the sound was the size of small car, however white and furry.
It was Bomba rolling over and showing his tummy.
“Awwwww,” said the cop, unable to resist. “Good Kitty.”
When Captain Marquandson relaxed his gun and leaned toward the giant cat, Bomba took a swipe and split open the cop’s boozy torso .
Bomba then offered his prey to his boss, Artemis, to finish off.
Artemis ripped out Captain John Marquandson’s diseased liver and held it in front of his face.
“Ha ha! Hey, Johnny boy,” she said. “isn’t this thing supposed to go thump thump thump?”
“No, biotch! Only hearts go thump thump thump,” said Captain John on his slow motion voyage to the bloody planks.
“Dammit, Captain, I’m a goddess not a surgeon!” She threw his poisoned liver into a trash can.

Enduring Mr. Monq (Life Among the Cannibals)

New Shark Fin Titled

 

 The Enduring Mr. Monq (Life Among the Cannibals)

(The right to grow arms.)

It started like this:

One hundred years ago, while on his tiny canoe many miles off of the Fiji coast, a fisherman from Fiji’s Hulla Balloo tribe, named Monq (pronounced Mahnk), who was barely out of his teens, lost half of his right arm while fishing.

With lightning speed, Monq’s big marlon spun, pulling the heavy fishing line tight around the boy’s arm and ‘snap,’ sliced it off quick and clean below the elbow. Before passing out, the panicked Monq applied a makeshift tourniquet above his elbow until the bleeding finally stopped.

After sleeping for three days under the sail cloth, Monq awoke in his canoe. He was hungry, and had lost all of his fishing gear along with the unattached limb.

All that there was to eat in the canoe were some small linkia sea stars tangled in an old piece of net and the rainwater inside his canoe. The skinny blue sea stars, more-than-likely tasted like they smelled. The young fisherman held his nose and took his only chance at a meal.

Linkia sea stars have the ability to regenerate their missing body parts.

Monq had no choice but to eat disgusting linkia. After three delirious days in the hot Melanesian sun there was a definite stump developing where his forearm used to hang. After drifting for a few more days, his arm was as good as new and he was able to use the torn net to catch a few tasty fish.

Regeneration was cannibal’s dream come true. He did not want to return to his village in an injured state. It would be a death sentence. Monq’s tribe traditionally ate their sick.

Eating echinoderms, as simple as they were (if you could get past the smell, the taste, and the violent diarrhea), could transfer their talent for regeneration to their eater, but only if consumed fresh, regularly and exclusively for days, if you didn’t mind putt-putt-putting around the island like a 300-hp Ever-rude outboard motor. A diet of powerful sea stars can give a cannibal up to fifty regenerations. Heads not included.

In the nineteenth century missionaries reported seeing only young, healthy Hulla Ballooins when they visited Fiji. Some lucky cannibals may have appeared malformed, when in fact they were busy growing new parts.

A large cushion star, with jelly filling, was worth a lot of money in Monq’s hood. One cushion star can regenerate an entire poor child’s body. Heads not included.

One local chief, named Mmdude (pronounced Hay-yu), grew his own twin. It worked for him while he went off to fish every day. He later set fire to and ate his twin as a birthday cake to himself.

Sometimes fingers, and even entire hands were lost when offered to tribal elders for nail-biting during times of heavy stress, thus saving their own desiccated  digits.

Today, the sea star cure remains a secret among a handful of tribes, handed (no pun intended) down from regeneration to regeneration. (hee hee).

In the Twenty-first Century, Sea Star Therapy has yet to be discovered by Western medicine. In nineteenth- century Hawaii, Father Damien, could not be offer the victim’s of Hansen’s disease the sea star cure. Damien, though pure-of-heart, and with his hipster beard, just wasn’t tuned in to Micronesian sea star magic.

Power to the People: Right Arm!

Monq -Version 10.2, was home again from his many weeks at sea and ready for the Annual Fiji Mbolo Worm Eating Festival (AFMWEF) which always began at sundown on June 1, with the centuries old chant:

“Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me. Guess I’ll go eat worms.”

Standing on the torch-lit makeshift pier, Monq tossed his net into the water, and saw the surface began to squirm. As he pulled in his net for the first time, he felt a sharp pain in thin membrane between his thumb and index finger.“Oh Mmfuck! Not again!” he thought. He kept pulling and saw that the net was, yes, not only full of green and brown Mbolo worms (oh yum) but deadly striped sea snakes!

In an angry quick motion, he pulled his razor-sharp machete from his canoe, and, in one furious swoop, lopped off his own hand before the lethal poison could travel through his blood vessels and throughout his body, which would ultimately result in his belly button unscrewing and his ass falling off.

Damn! It’s the right hand again! I need that for work too! It would be months before Monq’s new hand would, again, be operational.

____________

Monq had much bigger worries. One night while drunk on Kava, he’d insulted the local sheriff, Urp, by wearing the big red sea star on his bare chest and making gun sounds like a cowboy. He’d once seen Urp walking through the village wearing a silver star. Monq thought that wearing some red sea star “bling” might attract the ladies. (It would only end up attracting his often angry-for-a-good-reason, castration-happy wife.)

Red sea stars were sacred. They were only to be worn as bling by authority figures. Monq didn’t think that anybody had been paying attention. Behind a clump of bushes, a young cannibal named Bing, of the rival Elvii tribe, was taking detailed notes. Members of the Elvii are greasy-haired relatives of the vicious and Kuru afflicted Hotats of New Guinea. Bing, coveted Monq’s beautiful wife, Mmbabybaby, “for her mind.” Monq’s rival was also insane. Bing had acquired Kuru (mad cow disease) from dining on human brains at “Cerebrum Fest 2007” while in Papua, New Guinea. Bing’s afflicted body shook like a leaf on a fuzzy tree. Uh huh huh. Later that night, Bing would leave notes. One for Monq’s chief and one for Monq’s wife.

“Chief Mmrall (pronounced Dave) will not be amused,” said Monq’s wife, Mmbabybaby. “He gonna bite your head off, stupid!”

“And heads don’t grow back,” squeaked Monq as she had just castrated him again.

Monq would probably lose his meager income as well.

Because of worry, Monq had bitten his own fingernails literally down to the knuckles on three fingers of his right hand. It would be weeks before he could properly wipe his behind, which luckily never fell off because of the sea snake bite.

“Idiot!” he thought to himself. “I’d better started chewing on my left hand!”

Chief Mmrall was due back today, and Monq was sure that the monarch would make him a main course on the ‘Royal Sunday Brunch Buffet table. Monq could imagine himself, on a plate, right next to the very rare, endangered dark porpoise eggs.

Yes, porpoise eggs.

The Jolly 400-pound Chief had come back to the village and nothing was said about Monq’s transgression. Then, without any notice, one Sunday morning, two of the villages scariest warriors, Mmrush and Mmrove (Bob and Ed), knocked upon the door of the Monq family hut. “Whish Whish” went the knocking on the grass door.

“Who’s there?”

“It’s Mmus, Monq. The Chief wants to see you for breakfast! Now!”

Monq, put on his best Sunday-go-to-eatin loin cloth, kissed his wife a tearful goodbye and went to the Chief’s hut along with the two warriors.

“Monq!” said the jovial Chief, Mmrall.”Have you had your morning Kava yet?”

“Mmmmm No, Your Highness.”

“Do you take fruit bat milk in it?”

“No, Your Highness.”

“Lady fingers?”

“No, thank you, Your Highness. Can I ask why you sent for me?”

“I didn’t send for you. Do you remember Daucina, the shark goddess? She was my close childhood friend. I’ve heard that she’d moved to Kupaio and started to grow coffee in the island’s bloody soil.”

The Chief smiled his ragged-toothed smile and leaned close to the fisherman. “She’s just saved your skin, Monq. She needs your special talent’s of regeneration, to help her fight the enemies of her old man, Dakuwaka.”

“The Shark God?”

“Apparently the *Hotats, the Kuru infected crazies from New Guinea have already adopted her power-hungry mother, Macelaca. Now, the crazies are also targeting Daucina’s family and her friends. You’ll be following, Daucina’s brother, a Mako shark named Fuscus, over to Kupaio, to help her out.”

“Fuscus. I remember him from the Fiji Devil’s Team. He’s one badddddd…”

“Shut your mouf!”

“Sorry, Your Highness.”

“Just fuckin’ with you, Monq.”

“Go and help the goddess. Get your canoe ready. You leave at high tide. When you return, call me. We’ll have dinner.” The Chief showed his ragged-toothed smile again. “Don’t worry. We’ll order a pizza….with everyone on it. Hah! I’m just busting your bolas, kid.”

“Your Highness?”

“Just fuckin’with you, Monq.”

•The Hotats a tribe of greasy “canoe mechanics” who cannot surf.

•Kuru = The human version of Mad Cow disease, caused by eating brains.

* Hansen’s disease / Leprosy (Not caused by the boy band The HansOn Brothers from the 1970s who, in fact wrote a song called “MMMBop“)

By the Sea (from Shark Fin Soup)

 

The warm morning sun shimmered upon the rippling sea. A nice sized coconut bobbed up and down just past the surging shoreline and a few yards past the black skinned, golden haired, fifteen-year-old Mmbop Handsun, the prince of his own itsy-bitsy teenie-weenie Micronesian kingdom.

It was going to be another hot one, and Mmbop had forgotten his newest pair of certified-previously-owned Ray-Ban sun glasses given to him, in trade, by a rich tourist woman for one of his prized wood carvings — carvings that he ordered, weekly, from what he thought were poor dumb hard-working saps over in Malaysia. He did not realize that the Malaysians had been outsourcing the genuine Fijian carvings to a sweaty warehouse in Alabama, USA, that employed the children of ex auto workers. Mmbop only paid twenty-five cents apiece for the crude art. Yesterday he’d sold ten oversized one-hundred dollar wooden cannibal forks that his father, the Chief, Papaumaumau, had ordered from Taiwan at 50 cents apiece. It had been a good week, now that he’d also helped his parents decimate and sell off most of the island’s remaining palm trees to the Chinese.

As if any drunken tourist would even notice, there was hardly a substantial palm tree left on any of the High Society Islands within three hundred miles. Coconuts were scarce on both Little Hubba, and Big Hubba-Hubba, the two islands comprising the kingdom of Hubba Hubba Hubba.

“Shouldn’t waste perfectly good food!” Mmbop said, as he pushed his thick blonde dreadlocks back. The golden hair and clear blue eyes were a throwback to his Scandinavian sailor ancestors who’d visited, mated and had been munched on, in Micronesia over seven hundred years ago.

Mmbop lifted himself up, stretching his long thin shadow across the beach.

After eating the sweet coconut meat he would clean off the husk and carve a bearded monkey head for the dwindling tourists that have been disappearing along with the trees. Maybe he’d add a human finger bone through the nose.

Tourists always assumed that the “nose-bone” came from a chicken. Chickens were revered as Gods in Hubba-Hubba. They were only used for their eggs, by order of Queen Erica, after the island’s omelet loving priests had convinced her that the chicken fruit were a gift from Lomalagi (Heaven) and that ‘the sacred chickens, DID, in fact, come before the eggs.’

He watched the coconut bobbing in the water. After the carving was finished, he would add some shell teeth and toy glasses.

Tourists love that stuff, Mmbop thought as he bent forward, and tried to grab onto the bobbing nut that persisted on floating away in the slow current and morning glare. He hit at the coconut with a stick and it turned over. It appeared to have already been carved with a funny beard and a big schnozolla with a human bone through it!

It, of course, was a real human head.

Mmbop scooped it out of the surf and carried it to shore.

Granola grinding, hemp wearing, coral hugging tourists don’t want a real human head, he thought. Not even a fresh one like this. Maybe I should toss it back? He shook his head ‘no.’ I shouldn’t waste a perfectly good head. He decided to ‘fix it up’ with a few artful cuts. He reached into the pocket of his Izod swimsuit, which yet another rich tourist had traded him for a necklace of genuine plastic whale teeth, and grabbed his Swiss Army Cannibal Fork, that came complete with a saw blade, a grater, a marital aid, assorted knives, an Egyptian nose hook (for removing brains), a Phillips screwdriver, and a waterproof universal remote.

At home, waiting for him, was his main squeeze, Mmbopalula.

“Maybe I’ll take it to her as a gift.…Besides, nothing turns a woman on like a full head of hair.”

An excerpt from “Perdida — Island of Lost Things”

12243223_10153244997283873_627571000625904234_n(A Phone Message from the scientist Postel Amok to his Actress wife Margaret Amok  2/16/16 🙂

Le plume de mutant

“Hello, Margaret. This is Postel. I heard you were taking a break from the movies, and it just so happens that I’ll be gone from the middle of May through most of November.

You must come and see what I’ve done to our little island since you’ve been gone. Little Edison misses you and cannot wait to hear all about your movies. I’ve refurbished the pool area with a fully stocked bar, a waterfall and slide, and our satellite T.V. has every channel known to man and beast. You will see my new particle-accelerator that has been placed around the  pool area by the time you arrive. Don’t let Edison play with it. It can be potentially catastrophic in unexperienced hands. When I return, I’ll show you how to mix a Nutrino Smoothy — the most popular beverage in the 4th dimension. Ha! Life on the island should be quiet  while I’m gone. Doctor Vegzet from Switzerland may stop in to do a few quiet experiments, but that is all.

You won’t have to water the garden or clean the house as I have a new groundskeeper named Zubu who lives in the guest house and is capable of covering most of the chores. Don’t be afraid of Zubu though he seems to enjoy acting like, dressing like, and screeching like P.T. Barnum’s famous Wild Man of Borneo.—Woo Hooo Hooo Hooo!

You may run into a few of my new exotic pets outside, but Zubu can care those as well.

He’ll take care of the animals in our new fresh water lake, which your son, Edison has christened Lake Darwin.

You’re still the prettiest woman that ever lived.

Call me. O.K.? (pause). You got my number, Pumpkin.”

I Love you.

Maggie hated the way the big goofball called her Pumpkin, just to piss her off.

_________________

From the tiniest amoeba to the largest pre-historic sloth, the entire Isla de Mismo was inhabited by the one thing that the award winning scientist  loved the most, himself and his divine genetic history! He couldn’t wait to share the newest vision of his twisted world with his wife, Margaret, who’d just spent over a year filming make-believe stories in the fantasy land we know as Hollywood. On Friday, she arrived, by fishing boat to their newly designed Bermuda home on Isla de Mismo. From the dock the island seemed to be the same place that she’d left a year ago, with its white plantation style house and colorful row boats fronting the tropical beach.

Postel Amok had won the Nobel Prize in 1986 in Physiology for his work in genetic engineering and his most important project The Molecular Time-clock that would someday “reproduce animals of the past through the use of his own DNA.” Long ago, Maggie had heard her husband rambling on, over dinner, boasting to his  scientist friends, “My esteemed friends, I, Postel Amok, will be sliding down the evolutionary chain, into the past, in two-hundred-thousand-year increments.”

The freshwater pond behind the Amok house was fed by Postel’s solar power desalinization plant and was decorated with small islands of coconut trees and a large waterfall to keep the water properly aerated. Maggie watched a school of carp and large lungfish with red markings on their backs, swimming into the shallows. They’d disappeared in the murk before Maggie could get a closer look at them.

“Come, this way. Let me introduce you to our two very rare Anthracosaurus,” said the groundskeeper Zubu as he walked her along the shore and pointed to two large animals resembling black tree trunks. “They were believed to be an extinct genus of embolomere, from the Late Carboniferous period 310 million years ago.” The Coal Lizards, once found in the Brirish Isles were each over10-feet long —- They also had gapped teeth, like Zubu, like her husband, Postel. “The larger lizard on the left is Sal,” said Zubu,  “and his sweetheart is Amanda.” Amanda swung her head toward Maggie from the muddy bank and hissed a warning at the invasive female. Her mate, Sal the scaly brute, complimented Maggie on her legs with a chirp and a tongue swipe grooming  his pond scum coated head. Maggie felt the impulse to run but was then drawn in by the red Helix mark on the creature’s black back. Sal turned and grinned the same familiar gap-toothed grin that Maggie did not want to think about.

Though the two twelve-foot-long newts, Sal and Amanda, had lovely ragged  grins. They sized up Maggie as if she were a stick of Joe Blow chewing gum.

A frog, the size of a large man, lurched itself onto the muddy shore. It blinked at Maggie.

“That is Beelzebufo, miss,” said Zubu. “That is her genus.”

“Gee, what a cutie,” said Maggie.

“We call her Ribbit. Your husband’s friend Doctor Vegzet, said that he brought Beelzebufo ampinga here from Madagascar, while your husband was working with the atom collider in Switzerland. Ribbit and her family were thought to be extinct since the Cretaceous and still has smaller relatives in South America. She seems to like you, miss.”

Maggie stuck out her tongue at the blank-eyed beast, in fun.

Zubu screeched and leapt, straight up, ten feet onto a jakfruit tree, “No, ma’am! You musn’t tease her.”

The frog rolled out it’s tongue like a New Year’s Eve noisemaker. Maggie felt a little guarded in front of the savage Zubu, but that didn’t stop her from making a “ribbit” sound and a greeting, “Hello Ribbit!” The frog answered her ribbit, and then added a series of other “ribbits” looking at Maggie for understanding? Suddenly, its tongue shot out and grabbed a moth the size of a crow. Beelzebufo held it in its mouth long enough for Maggie to get a reeeeal good look at the moth’s wing. That looked like a,“No it can’t be!” It had the same helix mark as her husband, as the groundskeeper, as Sal and Amanda! The frog nudged its bug-eyed head as if inviting her to “Try one! They’re not so bad, tasty once you get past the hairy wings! Really. Tons of fiber, pumpkin.” Ribbit slurped it down.

Postel has done it! Maggie thought.

Two Goddesses at a Wedding

Artemis Goes to a Wedding 

(From: Shark Fin Soup by Fred Barnett)

A scene from the arranged marriage of the Shark Goddess Dauna, and her chosen beau, the dim-witted, self-absorbed, pretty-boy Shark Demigod Bunji.

New Shark Fin Titled

The Zeus family couldn’t make it to the wedding. Most of the gods on Olympus had been bedridden with the Nosoi Flu, otherwise known as βροντές και κεραυνούς από τον κώλο, or  thunder and lightning released from the γάιδαρος or even more commonly known as sun flares.

Zeus, himself, was too ill to get to the phone, so he asked his wife Leto to call their daughter, Artemis. Artemis the Goddess of the Moon and the Hunt, who  was in Wyoming tracking a family of Yetis. She’d been trying to control the spread of Big Foot’s progeny for years. They were becoming a road hazard. She was trying to issue the elders a warning before the issue of total extinction would be their only other option. Most of the drivers who hit them at high speed had thought that the piles of fur and blood had been bears.

“Could you attend the (cough, cough) wedding of the Fijian Shark Gods Bunji and Dauna as our special envoy – as a special gift (cough) from all of the ailing Greek gods?” Leto asked her daughter, Artemis.

“Sure, Mom. How’s Dad?”

“All he can do is sleep. We both had a terrible night. Your poor brother has been sitting on the golden throne since early this morning.”

“That’s awful.”

Artemis would use all of her expertise in planetary design and cosmology to provide the lighting for the royal function. It would be a strenuous evening that would require that she control the movements of the Earth, moon, and stars, providing a light show lasting over an hour until the young marrieds dashed off toward their fahhhhhbulousssss honeymoon.

Artemis was uncomfortable with the idea of marriage, romance, and especially – fahhhhhhbuloussss honeymoons.

While standing in the long reception line, Artemis thought about the bride and groom, Bunji and Dauna. Six sunny fun-filled days! And five glorious nights! … in beautiful, romantic Hawaii! The A-holes. (She could imagine the two, breeding like filthy damned Yetis in the hotel’s heart-shaped tub.) 

Artemis was not jealous. To her, gods and goddesses should always strive to be above such “base” behaviors. A honeymoon was a primitive rite, common among reeking humanoids, recently emerged from the Tyranno- toilets called swamps.

Sleaze.

Above all things, Artemis was pure. Superior as both a goddess and a  huntress, she manifested dominion over the animals of the Earth and skies. Dignified.

But then, she has these long legs. Hoo hah.

__________________

Cool as the blue moonlight with her long black braid swinging, the majestic Artemis approached the newlyweds, Dauna and Bunji, as they received their guests. She tried her best to bow modestly in her short, off-the-shoulder white tunic. The self-designed garment enabled the Goddess to move quickly when she was in pursuit of fast prey.  To Artemis, the bride, Dauna, didn’t look ‘thrilled’ about the wedding. It had been an arranged marriage to bring peace among the Micronesian worshippers of opposing shark gods.

Dauna eyed her new husband, Bunji, trying to gauge his reaction to the long-limbed beauty approaching them. Dauna, a steaming hot goddess herself, looked up and met Artemis’ thinly veiled breasts at eye level. Uh-oh. I’m fucked. 

The mighty Chief Kivana, whispered into his stepdaughter Dauna’s ear, “The Huntress is an avowed Oh, my! virgin and a Wowser! legendary man-hater.” At first, disarmed by Artemis’ smile and the spark in her eyes, Chief Kivana found himself enraptured by the goddess’s cherry red lips. The Chief looked at his daughter and then back at Artemis. He shook his head: Uh-oh. Dauna’s fucked. 

The young groom Bunji tried to speak next. He eloquently expressed himself: “Hominahominahominahomina.” Then he took a big breath and said, in English, “Miss Huntress. Those, those are some …homina homina …impressive …uh, arrows …in your … thingy. Is…Is that a holster?”

“This thingy is called a quiver, my Lord Bunji. These are my golden hunting arrows. Please, both of you, call me Artemis.”

“Quiver?” (That …uh …sounds hot) the thirty-five-year old Bunji’s fourteen-year-old imagination raced ahead.

“That’s right, Hotshot,” said Dauna to her betrothed. “A soft sheath to keep your shafted projectiles warm.”

It took awhile for Dauna’s comment to register with her new husband. “Oh yeah! Ha! I get it!” Artemis blushed…all over her body.

“Please!” whispered the statuesque Goddess to the couple. “Let’s try to keep this conversation out of the gutter.”

The bride and groom stared at each other in amazement and then back toward Artemis in embarrassment.

“We’re sorry, we were just…” said Dauna.

“I know. Honeymooners. To me, sex is not a laughing matter. I am the virgin Goddess of the Hunt and the Moon. I hunt many types of prey. I also kill to protect the virtue of both myself and the innocent. I hunt nearly anything that moves …except men. They hunt me, then they end up killing themselves as soon as they find out that Artemis, the Goddess, doesn’t need a γαμημένος date! I wouldn’t waste my arrows on such weak and easy targets!”

“Oh, P-leeeeease,” said Dauna, rolling her eyes. ‘Cept that girl is spot on.

Artemis continued on as if nothing had happened. “I must apologize for the absence of the other Olympians tonight, all of whom are suffering from Nosoi.”

“Nosoi Flu?” asked Bunji. “That is nasty.” Mesmerized by the thin material of her tunic, he added, “Goddess! Do you have a card …on you?” He was unable to turn his gaze away from the tall porcelain-skinned wonderland before him. Dauna imagined a target glowing on her husband’s forehead.

“The gods of Olympus have sent me here to help light the heavens and set the mood for your wedding. Let me convey all of our best wishes and Congratulations!”

“I’m, uh, honored to uh meet youuuuuuuuu,” said the groom, who was looking down, maneuvering his shiny black patent leather shoes, so that he could  cop a peek up the Huntress’ short skirt.

“Honored to meet you, Artemis,” said Dauna, giving her new spouse a sharp elbow to the ribs.

“Next in line, please!” said Chief Kivana.

Though the Chief hated to see his stepdaughter marry the half-witted mannequin Bunji, his quick thinking probably saved the young groom from getting a golden shafted projectile through his empty skull.

__________________

Books on Amazon by Fred Barnett (Bats and Shark Fin Soup coming soon!)

 #1,2,&3 are available in ebook and paperback on Amazon! Bats should be out in October 2014, Shark Fin Soup in 2015!

 Nantucket is a wee bit of smut available on Smashwords for 49 cents!

 Cover Bloody Good 2013 Cover : Second Chances Cover Rock Invasion Cover Shark Fin   Cover- Man From NantucketBATS

“It takes a child to Raze a village”

Ten-year-old orphaned Viking Gunnar Eriksson

“It takes a child to Raze a village”

Oh …
Let’s go a-pillaging
a village-ing, a-pillaging,
with Odin a-thundering
our horde goes a-plundering,
a-sundering each underling,
A-pillaging we’ll go!

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