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Freddy Barnett's

And Then Things Got Weird….

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Aliens

Aliens visit Jolly Olde England in 1963

 

11. Jukebox — From the book The Kingdom of the Cats…………….

“I wouldn’t call them crop circles,” said the Queen Mum to her butler, who waited patiently outside of her golden W.C. as she finished up her three hours of ‘morning business.’

“Blimey! I’d call them bloody indecent!” said the butler Peeves.

* * * *

Wiltshire County, Great Britain-1963

During Buddy and Ada’s Liverpool “spill” where the two aliens had lost most of their songs, the Brills hovered their ship The Lollipop above the village of Hangover, on the open farmland near Stonehenge, in the county of Wiltshire, on the Salisbury plane.

The night before they landed, Buddy was busy drawing giant shapes across the English countryside as though the wheat fields below were his personal Etch-A-Sketch.

Some of Buddy’s sketches were more than a quarter mile wide. He designed the patterns on the ship’s computer and then precision cut those images, using the latest laser beam technology.

In the early morning hours of June 28, 1963, Buddy was still “doodling” on the fields of Salisbury from more than one mile above the earth. At 1:30 a.m., after Ada finished yelling at Buddy for drawing stick-figure porn and humungous boobies on the fields below, the land went back to sleep.

* * * *

Jolly Lord Capersmith

At two a.m., a distinguished gap-toothed mustached old duffer, wearing a bowler hat, was on his way home from the Laughing Gravy Pub. He pulled his Bentley over to the side of the road that faced his family’s Ancestral Castle upon his vast Capersmithshireton Estate.

“Wot?” said Lord Joseph.

Something exciting was afoot in the fields below. His Lordship quickly grabbed his fine hand-tooled leather attaché case from motorcar’s passenger seat. Inside the case were his thermos, and a brand new brass fox hunting pistol. He removed his bowler hat and replaced it with a more appropriate deer stalker. Lord Joseph furtively tiptoed down the slope to investigate the strange lights illuminating the wheat fields below.

“By Jove! Naughty stick figures. I doooooo say. Delightful!”

In the field, on his property no less, also stood what looked like…

“Pip. Pip,” he said while twirling his handlebar mustache.

“It’s a bloody American Juke box (It was the Brill’s space ship, named the Lollipop). Rahthah! Jolly good show, old bean.”

Step — step — step.

“It must be the Princess’ idea of making merry,” his Lordship quipped. “A jest, I’m sure!”

“I’ll sit on this jolly old stump, pour myself a hot cup of tea, take aim at the doodad-thingamajig with my pistol, and give myself a bit of a respite! Simply smashing!”

Though the tipsy Lord Joseph fired and missed the Lollipop, loud shots woke up the ever-testy alien musician, Ada, who was thoroughly enjoying an erotic dream wherein Serbian physicist-inventor Nikola Tesla was demonstrating his hot new invention, the Personal Harmonic Resonance Vibration Oscillator.

Capersmith stopped shooting when an invisible hand pulled back the window shade on the ship. “Something” inside the space ship struggled and cursed while trying to open the window on the front of the giant juke box. Dried paint had glued the window sill shut. Before Lord Joseph could say, with a stiff upper lip, “Oh bugger,” the window shot upward, and….

“Tallyho, asshole!” said Ada while she implemented the magic of the jolly olde ACME Auto-Suc machine upon Lord Joseph Capersmith, and thus deposited Lord Joseph’s royal rump within the Good Ship Lollipop.

Repeated screams of “Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am?” echoed deep into Jolly Olde Sherwood forest.

Ada restored the tranquility of the spacecraft when she respectfully presented His Lordship with a formal printed invitation:

“A Night To Remember

Time: June 28,1963

Location: The Probing Pub of the Lollipop Space Craft

Black-tie required

Hors d’oeuvres and Cocktails at 8 p.m.

Dinner immediately following

Please RSVP”

As Lord Capersmith sipped a glass of champagne, Buddy approached from behind holding Farmer Joe’s jalapeño coated rototiller.

Introducing (tah dah) The Chrome Domes

The Night of the Chrome Domes from my short story book: The Kingdom of the Cats

It was the largest, brightest full moon that the Earth had seen in over ten years.

Seven tuxedo-clad phantoms had solidified their departed selves and gathered in the empty baseball field at Dodger Stadium. The Los Angeles stadium stood on sacred ground (only a few short miles from Tommy’s Original Hamburgers). The field had originally been named Elysian Fields, by the Pantheon of Gods.

The ghostly group of bald-pated show-biz legends: Bing, Astaire, Frank, Bobby Darin, Roy Orbison, Hank Williams, Mel Torme, even Al Jolson (whom nobody could stand), all stood in a solemn circle. The singers were joined by nearly a dozen other bald songwriters, band leaders, and agents.

When they had been alive, these giants of music all had sported one of Cori’s magic toupees. The charmed hairpieces, made from the fur of Cori’s cat, Joe, had helped them all to regain the confidence that they needed to keep performing when they were alive.

RetroRocketship

Their task had begun.

The light of the silent moon lit the bald heads. The pale rays multiplied themselves upon the surfaces of the men’s collective domes until the moon’s power snowballed ten-thousand-fold. A vigorous beam projected itself into the heavens. The initial signal was sent.

The toupees were lifted by the ghosts, and then dropped down upon their bare heads in efficient military precision, more exact then that of the Chinese who jump in unison to send tsunamis toward their enemies across the Pacific.

The flashing of domes was repeated thirty times. A coded message was being transmitted.

On the distant planet Brill, a great light entered the studio window. The code from the Earth below sent its urgent message to Buddy and Ada. The signal from the Chrome Domes was a plea for help, reaching into deep space.

The Chosen One is ready.” The coded message said. “Please bring some new tunes and a magic toupee for Johnny Passion.”

The Earth is in danger of imploding due to bad music. Also, bring some celestial smokes, if you can. And a dozen Plutonian tacos.”

Toupee or not toupee?” The message from the bearers of the Magic Toupees was given top priority by the Brills, who in a rare move initiated a call to their boss.

“Buddy! She’s not answering!”

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