“My Date with Mr. Jingles”
NSFA (Not Safe For Anyone)
Illustrations by Anita Benson Bradley (Mahalo!)
A tiny polka dotted VW pulled up to the curb outside the window below her small apartment. A cacophony of horns went off from inside the car. Who was this mysterious stranger?
Miss Giggles paced the hallway of her small Bouncy Town apartment. She did not know what to expect of Mr. Jingles, the blind date that her friend Trixie had set her up with for the evening.
She paced. Her silver jumpsuit looked very sexy in the funhouse mirror making her look slimmer and taller than her roly-poly five-foot frame. In Intermediate School the mean kids would call her “Chunk-O.” When she went to college, they called her “Balloony Toons” to her face. That name stuck for years until her kindly new boss at the ACME Bicyclle Horn Company had given her a new name, “Miss Giggles.” Giggles fixed her orange hair and repositioned the two balloons and paper stuffed in her giant funny bra.
Her date knocked on the door with a familiar rhythm, “Shave and a haircut. Five cents.”
“Hiya, hiya, hiya! Call me Mithter Jingles!” He thaid with a funny lithp.
Mr. Jingles was dressed to the nines in a yellow baggy jump suit with six-inch blue polka dots and three red buttons the size of custard pies. His matching hat was two feet high and came to a handsome duncey point. Thank Bozo, he wasn’t just another hobo clown like her ex, Patches —with charcoal all over his face. My daddy, Boingo would like this clown, she thought. So would my mommy. Miss Giggle’s mom, Bingo always wore the baggy pants in the Tumbles family.
“I bought you some di-did-diddlely flowers!” Mr. Jingles said, as he thrust forward a bouquet of roses.
The flowers flopped over as soon as she grabbed them. “How pretty! I’ll put them in water.”
“No probalobelum, Miss Giggles! I have plenty of water right here!” He squirted her with his platinum plated Fizz-o-Rama seltzer bottle. “Hyuk, Hyuk!”
Miss Giggles followed Mr. Jingles down the stairs and out to his star-covered Volkswagen bug, she wondered, “Is it true what they say about size 28 feet?”
Mr. Jingles clicked his remote and the “Merry-go-round Broke Down” played across the Rubbermaid Habitat lined street as the two doors popped open. “Everybody out! Hyuk, hyuk!” said Mr. Jingles as he motioned for his date to step back. Twenty clowns, two wearing “Kick Me!” signs on their backs, three riding miniature bicycles, some with pet chimps, and a couple with a pig in a baby carriage wearing a bonnet emerged from the back seat. They streamed down the dark street, each honking their “own horn.” Mr. Jingles held open the car door for Miss Giggles. “Safety first! Buckle up!” He handed Miss Giggles an unnattached buckle. “Golly! I hope you’re hungry! Hey! Let’s go to Chuckle’s Cheese!”
“Isn’t that a bit pricey?” Giggles asked politely.
“Heck no! Hyuk, hyuk!” said Mr. Jingles as he pulled out a wad of Monopoly money. “We’re gonna paint the town red, and green and yellow and…”
Part II — Chuckle’s Cheese
“Please, my dear have a seat. Ha ha! Gotcha!” said Mr. Jingles as he pulled a “Wet Paint” sign from underneath his date.
“Oh, Mr. Jingles!”
“How about pie? Do you like pie, miss Giggles?”
“Oh, goody!” He called to the waiter, “Garçon! May we order a half dozen custard pies — with whipped cream?” Mr. Jingles turned toward Miss Giggles and placed his giant red glove on her giant blue glove. “Would madame care for something to drink? Oui?” He turned back to the waiter. “We’ll have two bottles of your finest seltzer, monsieur.”
When their meal arrived they each shoved three pies into the other’s face and washed each other off with the two bottles of 1856 Dieu Maudit le Clown Seltzer water.
“I don’t feel well,” said Giggles suddenly. She bent over the dinner table, stuck her tongue out and said, “Hack, hack, hack!” Then she pulled a blue handkerchief out of her mouth, which was tied to a yellow one, which was tied to a green one, which was tied to…… This went on and on for nearly a two gazillion minutes.
“Are you okay, missy?”
“Whatsamattah? Can’t ya take a choke?” she giggled.
Mr. Jingles took her outside by the hand. He lit a bubble gum cigarette and carelessly threw his flaming blowtorch into her pocket.
Mr. Jungles casually asked Miss Giggles if she smoked.
Striking a hooker pose, she said, “I only smoke when I’m on fire, handsome! Oh, Noooooooo, I’ve been incarcerated!”
“Well, there ya go! Hyuk Hyuk! You sure are hot!” Mr. Jingle’s lifted his duncey cap to reveal a plastic fireman’s hat. His red nose began to blink as he blew into a siren ring while they ran in circles.
“Save me! Save me, Mr. Fireman!” she cried.
Mr. Jingles stopped at his VW, unlatched the hood and grabbed a pail of confetti and dumped it on her head. “Hyuk Hyuk! Gee, I’m sorry!” he said. “Here! Have another flower!” It squirted into her eye, then drooped like the roses. Mr. Jingles grabbed her rouged cheeks and kissed her on her big red smile. Their noses beeped together.
“C’mon!” said Mr. Jingles. “Let’s go for a ride!”
It was a wild ride as they careened through the faulty stop lights of Bouncy Town and headed up the Benny Hills toward Sock-it-to me Lane overlooking moonlit Lake Harr Harr.
Once parked, they kissed and squeezed each other, producing many honks and beeps. There was a woof from the back seat? Mr. Jingles was also an accomplished ventriloquist. “Woof! Woof!”
“What’s that Mr. Jingles?”
“No. I mean who is barking?”
“That’s my dog Sprinkles! Wanna see? Hyuk, hyuk.” Mr. Jingles opened his door and got out of the car. He tilted his seat forward and said, “Mr. Sprinkles needs to go for a walk!” as he grabbed a leash and pulled on it. The leash had an empty loop where the dog’s head would have been. Mr. Jingles walked to a nearby tree with the leash and waited while his imaginary dog did his business. When they returned to the car, Mr. Jingles threw the leash into the front seat. “Oops! Sprinkles wants to sit in front, Miss Giggles. Whaddaya say? Let’s relax in the back seat. It’s made to hold forty clowns!”
Before you know it, Miss Giggles was out of her silver jumpsuit and wearing only her sexiest pair of heart festooned boxer shorts.
Mr. Jingles began to jangle.
“Wait!” Said Miss Giggles! “Protection.” She produced a package of multi-colored condoms from her purse.
Mr. Jingles produced a pair of blunt kiddie scissors from his baggy pants and opened the package. Then, he fashioned Miss Giggles an array of balloon animals of such size and quality she’d never could have imagined.
He slipped off his size 28 shoes. “Yes, thought Miss Giggles. It’s true what they say about big feet! ———— They stink!
Mr. Jingles had stripped down to his Happy Birthday Suit. There stood his candy striped ‘Jo-Jo,’ ready for a round of ring toss. The big goof then lit the tip on fire. “Make a wish, Miss Giggles!”
Mr. Jingles is so much fun! Hee Hee! Up until now, my love life has been a roller coaster — a Tilt-A-Whirl! — No! More like the projectile PlayDoh I hurled on the Mad Hatter Tea Cups — or maybe as bad as the up-chuckles I suffered on the Swing Boat!
There was a knocking on the car window. The spell was broken.
“Uh, oh,” said Mr. Jingles. “It’s the Keystone cops! Get dressed, Bobo.”
“Bobo?!!!!!” Who’s Bobo?
“They usually want to chase us around the car with billy clubs,” said Mr. Jingles, “till our pants fall down.”
“Who is Bobo??? Oh, so you’ve been up here before, with other clowns?” asked the jealous Miss Giggles, looking for the giant green bra, she’d stuffed with colorful tissue .
“Oh come on! Isn’t this fun?” Mr. Jingles rolled down the window! “Good evening officers…huh?”
Miss Giggles recognized the men outside the car behind the glare of their kaleidoscope flashlights. They wore black masks, striped shirts and short brimmed newsboy caps. It was the notorious Boffo brothers. “Muggers!” she said.
“All of youz! Everybody! Outta the car!” said Boffo #1.
Mr. Jingles buttoned up his jumpsuit and stepped out first. He offered the two muggers some jelly beans, if they promised to go away. Miss Giggles followed straightening her boxer shorts. She looked behind her to find out that another steady stream of clowns were exiting the car.
The two men in burglar masks and striped shirts began “mugging” or making faces at the couple. Mr. Jingles surprised #1 and knocked him down with a punch, resulting in birds around his head. Naturally, being a clown, Boffo #1 popped right back up. Boffo #2 said, “Give us all of your jelly beans, Jingles.” Boffo #2 pulled out a gun that looked like a cannon. Mr. Jingles stood back and offered to give them everything. He started to empty his pockets. There were frogs, a rabbit, white pigeons and hand-buzzers. “That’s all I got! Hyuk.”
#1 said, “Mr. Big-shot Jingles is holding back on us, Boffo #2.”
#2 blasted Mr. Jingles until the “Bang!” sign popped out of the gun barrel. #1 hit Mr. Jingles with an inflatable sledge hammer sending him flying across the dirt lot where he landed squarely on his butt. Jelly beans blasted from his pointy hat like a Piñata.
Miss Giggles remembered the two whoopee cushions in her back pocket. She threw them onto the ground and jumped on them with both feet, scaring the Boffo brothers away, and leaving the candy safely behind.
“You saved my life, uh …Oh, yeah, Miss Giggles,” said Mr. Jingles as she scooped up all of his candy and put it into her over-sized pockets. She was still upset to find out that her new man, clown or no clown, was only dating her for “FUN.” He passed out before she could strangle the Casanova with his own six-foot checkerboard necktie.
The ambulance arrived within minutes. Miss Giggles watched as the attendants loaded Mr. Jingles into the back on a gurney and sped off, in circles… dumping him back onto the parking lot and fatally running him over, repeatedly like a sack of potatoes.
Mr. Jingles had gone to the Big Top in the sky. “Huyk, hyuk, hyuk!” Miss Giggles laughed. “Your fun-filled nights at Sock-it-to-me Lane are over Romeo!” She skipped back toward Bouncy Town, laughing-all-the-way. “Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!”
Poor Miss Giggles was really crying on the inside.