Officer Joe Lavelle walked toward the stolen Cheby’s driver-side door, and asked the ugliest man he’d ever seen (Is he mooning me?) …. for his license and registration.

“Let me see your… Holy Lord Jesus!” The ‘thing’ in the driver’s seat smelled like ass and pot. “What the cough! cough!”… Rubio handed the trooper his driver’s license. Thank you verrry much.” Highway Patrol Officer Lavelle looked familiar, with the aviator glasses and turned up collar.

“This you?” asked Officer Lavelle. “You Anthony Rubio?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Is that your, uh, dog on the front seat, sleepin’next to you?”

“No, officer. That’s Felayshia. She’s my baby momma. She’s got a belly full of little Rubio. Please don’t wake her.”

“Sure, son. What you been smokin?’ Does your real momma back home know that you use drugs? I bet the poor woman who raised you from a little pup is cryin’right now.” The trooper then closed his eyes behind his gold-framed aviators, and sung softly to himself, “… and his momma cries.” The officer wiped a tear from his cheek and bent down toward Rubio, “Your poor old momma, son. Do you ever call her?”

“Call who? You know that you look like that guy, man. Cool sideburns. I like your shades, Chief.”

“Thank you verrrry much. I want to know if you call your momma and tell her that you love her, son, before it’s too late. Before your momma has left our earthly building. Don’t be cruel to your momma boy. She’s the only one you’ve got.”

“I don’t even know who my real momma is, Chief. There was this drunken party and I don’t know who my father was eith…”

“Well, it looks like you’re in double trouble, son. The names on the license and registration don’t match, and I believe that you’re under the influence, not to mention the pipe on the floor. I believe that you’re goin’ to be a-rockin’ in the jailhouse and a-cryin’ in the chapel before this is over. I sincerely hope that your momma, bless her soul, isn’t alive to see this. Step out of the car, son, and put your hands up on the roof. I’ll have to wake the girl and put cuffs on her, too. Don’t you realize that drugs are the Devil in disguise? Yes, they are.”

* * * *

Dwayne the Lizard

Twenty minutes later, Rubio was sitting in a Las Vegas jail cell. His Cheby Roach Coach was locked up in police impound with a sleeping, pregnant Felayshia in the backseat.

The impound attendant left the car unlocked. At midnight, Felayshia was dragged out of the impound yard, and into the desert by a giant glowing horned toad.

Felayshia screamed, and startled the ten-foot high toad who then inflated its sedan-sized spiny body and shot blood out of its green eyes.

She was transfixed.

They each took a long deep breath. The toad snapped off her handcuffs with his tongue.

Felayshia then leapt on top of Dwayne the Lizard’s back, patted him on the head, and together, they galloped off into the black Nevada night, toward “Happily Ever After.”

It’s nice to see a reptile have fun without having to stomp all over Tokyo.