The Story of Anacapawana

Cover Bloody Good 2013

When Anacapawana’s 20-foot-long lifeless body was brought into port by a now tearful, remorseful, and nearly sober Captain Craig Williams, she weighed in at nearly 4000 pounds. This was in part due to her last meal, two (totally depraved and degenerate) 200 pound sea lions, who now lie “asleep” in her delicate tum-tum.

That afternoon, they lifted Queen Ana’s huge, fragrant and quickly decomposing body by the tail. Then suddenly, from deep inside the great fish came a loud “rumble.” The astonished crowd looked up at Anna, and then, like two peaceful and smiling “Mona Lisa’s” on an amusement park ride, the seals slid out of Anna’s great mouth, gracefully smooth as liquid mercury, onto the dock.

“FLUMP!” they came out plump, whole, and bloody-“FLUMP!” ruining the gayly, freshly painted pier.

Laughing children with cotton candy faces beamed with delight, and laughed and cheered as they watched the fun. Their Sunday-best-dressed moms and dads were there as well, sipping cool lemonade among the curious gathering strollers. They all watched, licking their chops, as the local restaurant cooks cut many fillets, on that perfect golden, sunny, August afternoon… once upon a gayly painted California pier … long, long ago …

One woman that I met in a Ventura bookstore said she was there, and pregnant, on that lovely day. She wasn’t all that thrilled about the two seals, and simply threw up when they slid out.